TRUST « Chiming Charlotte

Saturday, April 10, 2004

TRUST

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

We meet again in such a horrible state, where I am now really really doomed by my own life, though you might say it’s normal...

It’s so not normal. I know it, cuz I live my own life. I understand my life more than anyone else of you here, and I admit I hate to live my own and I still want to live others’ life. Who wants to be me, anyways? No one.

About this quite late entry...

Something happened to me last last week. And I should say that I felt like dying right that moment seeing others gawking at me while my tears went rolling despicably on my cheeks, leaving others with such leftover sorrow I used to feel an hour or maybe just a sec before that...

Just then...

I realised that my own dad doesn’t believe in me at all. He doesn’t even lay a single trust in me, instead he kept on thinking about mad things like...

Me having a date with a guy.

Me...

Having a fucking DATE with a GUY???

Oi,

I’ve told you, I hate boys didn’t I? Ne, you guys? See? Even some strangers know me well, and then what the hell happened to your brain, my dear father? Whom I guess you’re the one who should believe in your daughter the most, better than anyone else.

But you don’t believe in me do you?

Then why should I care? I can be a lesbian whenever I want. [God, please don’t let me be that.] Cuz since you’re soooo stupid when it comes to social life, then I guess I SHOULD be all upturned. Reversed. Whatever you call it.

I don’t even care, really.

But I cried. I cried so much that my head started to burst out all its components. I wished I could fly away, leaving that place, that place which made me felt like hell, instead of feeling normal just like the others. Just like my pals, just like my teachers, just like the strangers staring, gaping, and even glaring at me with disgust...

I don’t want to feel like I’m in heaven, I just hope that everything would be normal. Just the same as the other living creatures around me. I actually don’t want this to happen...

Cuz when it happens, I will cry out my tears.

And last Friday...

I screamed so hard.

Came back from school, throwing all my books everywhere, crying like someone else I didn’t even know who she was...

And damn... I was lost in my own self.

I screamed.

Till my ears went deaf for a day, that I couldn’t talk to myself. I tried to listen to Linkin’ Park, though the volume was so sky high...

Blood dropping down my wrist again, fell on the parquet...

I couldn’t hear anything and... I felt glad. I smiled, and I laughed while tears were still wiping all over my face...Even if I wouldn’t have to listen to all those curses and bad things from my own dad, I would be much much grateful to be deaf forever.

Nee, you guys...

I know you might say this is normal when a man whom you call a dad went to your school just to check out whether you’re dating with someone who doesn’t even exist in this world...

And before he came over, he promised your mom that he would beat you up till your last single drop of blood on the ground right in front of the others... And he would never admit you as his daughter or son...

When he sees you studying with your friends and your teacher’s also there, he called you and scolded you for being a pervert and stayed at school until 2.30 in the afternoon... While your mom pitied on you for that, that she even felt like crying when she saw you screaming on the top of your voice...

When that man you call ‘dad’ answered ‘YES’ when you asked him...

“ What, you don’t believe in your own daughter???”

Nee...

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

TELL ME...

What if this thing happened to you?

What would you do?

Would you cry and scream just like what I did?

Would you fight back your dad or maybe sulk with him for the whole life?

Sometimes when we’re so down of ourselves, we will atleast want someone to trust in you, to embrace you with all their love, to cover your heart with all their faith...

And when you find out that person you always hope to be your protector when the time comes doesn’t even belief a single thing in you...

…………

Don’t tell me what would you feel.

Just don’t.

Cuz even if you do, that would just make my heart hardened even more to even accept myself as a human being, as one of God’s servant, as one of the girls in the world, as a student who’s taking her O-level this year...

And even if you want to...

Please do so. I don’t care about myself anymore. No one can exactly save me from this horrifying shadow of glum, no one can actually make me feel better even with myself.

Cuz now I’m thinking about how to run away from this life, though I know it’s impossible to do it but...

DEATH.

I don’t want to die just yet. I still got my mom, I told myself. She coaxed me up that day, hugging me tight telling me to calm down. And that was the first time I ever got hugged by someone I really love...

Wouldn’t it be nice if it happens everyday? Every sec?

No, it wouldn’t.

All I could do was shutting my mouth up, making myself dull just to let my mom felt a bit better after a loud shocking scream. I don’t care, and even if I were dead that time... I wouldn’t care. It’s better if I’m dead, though I know it may be hurt a bit but...

Atleast God’s with me.

Ne?

But for sure, now, I don’t think that I’m ready to accept myself as me. And I don’t want to make those around me to be worried so much, cuz I’m not worth to be worried at. I know...

It sounds like I’m being extra sulky huh?

No, I’m not.

This is all about self-confidence, such a lame subject BUT I am the one who needs it like damn crazy. People don’t care, but I DID care. I DID, and now...

Atashi wa nani shite iru no?

What should I do?

= Tomo =

As long as I live, I will find out the answer on why am I still here, living my own life and why the hell am I still breathing when actually I thought that I felt damn suffocated by these silly things.

Huh...

Damn. Stop crying, will you Tomomi? It’s useless even if you cried...

You don’t want your mom to coax you like that ne?

Poor her... You shouldn’t have been troubling her these years you’ve gone through along with her...

She’s too nice.

You’re too mean.

That’s why...

I hate you, Tomomi.

Kimi ga kirai dakara.

Posted at 10:37 pm by Tomomi-chan

Leave a Comment:

Name

Homepage (optional)

Comments

Home