Zutto Jiyuu, Ore no Hoshikatta... ~ Forever Freedom, That's What I Want...

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

***

hajimari ga aru mono ni wa
itsu no hi ka owari mo aru koto
iki to shi ikeru mono nara
sono subete ni

moshi mo kono sekai ga shousha to haisha to no
futatsu kiri ni wakareru nara
aa boku wa haisha de ii
itsu datte haisha de itai n da

mamoru beki mono no tame ni
kyou mo mata nani ka o gisei ni
iki to shi ikeru mono tachi
sono subete ga

boku wa kimi ni nani o tsutaerareru darou
konna chippoke de chiisana boku de shika nai
ima wa kore ijou hanasu no wa yametoku yo
kotoba wa sou amari ni mo
toki ni muryoku da kara

moshi mo kono sekai ga shousha to haisha to no
futatsu kiri ni wakareru nara
aa boku wa haisha de ii
itsu datte haisha de itai n da

***
Things that begin
always have an end.
If you can live on,
think always of that.

If this world were split into
winners and losers,
I'd rather be a loser.
I always want to be a loser.

To protect us and ours,
we must sacrifice something yet again.
Those who can live on
think always of that.

What can I tell you?
I'm just a small, helpless person.
That's all I'll say for now
because sometimes words
are completely powerless.

If this world were split into
winners and losers,
I'd rather be a loser.
I always want to be a loser...

***
~Adapted from Ayumi Hamasaki’s “No More Words”~

I always wanted to be a loser...

Cuz, the only thing I hear everyday is the word...

LOSER.

I’m lost.

Michi ni mayotta. Hontou...

***

I was born as a girl, which I don’t think I like it that much... I always hate to be girl, having such limited freedom to explore everything in this whole wide world really makes me mad about myself. I often ask my own brains about it...

“Naze da... ore wa onna da no?”

“Why am I... a girl?”

Then I realised even though I ask myself a million times about it... I will always be a girl. And being a girl...

SURELY HURTS.

***

I... was chosen to participate in the co-curricular activities day this Saturday, and I am charged to join in the march for my own club. Definitely, I did think that was the happiest thing as I can at last go anywhere else but home, and meet new people. I always wanted to be noticed by my participation in various activities at school, and I don’t know why...

I feel calm and happier to stay at school and meet my teachers and friends...

Than to look at my dad and...

Got stressed up by him.

(-__-)

He doesn’t know anything about me, his own daughter.

He doesn’t even care for me, as I am his one and only daughter who atleast succeed in her studies.

He doesn’t even think that I’m struggling to death studying and achieving success is just for him and mom.

But then he called me names.

BAD names.

He told me raising me up is such a waste of money.

He told me those teachers who treat me nicer… WAY nicer than him as bitches.

He told me that my life is short... OUR life is short so I don’t have to study harder.

...But the moment when I got mad at him so much that I wish he could go to hell...

was when he threatened to halt my school process, sending me back in the corner of the kitchen...

Doing shit.

FUCKING things in the kitchen instead of studying well...

How close-minded is he?

How stupid is he to say that?

How... he’s more like a BARBARIAN more than a mere human.Well...

Maybe some kids just love it when their dads say that, but as for me...

That’s a curse.

I wanna try and I can still fight with myself to gain success and great achievements. But then he always interrupts my life... my journey to the way of triumph, accomplishment.

I always wanna try and explore this world... try and discover things around us, made by our Lord, but then he always intervenes my road way towards the sensational moments I should get from all what I’ve done for myself and my family.

I even hurt myself, just because that I didn’t want to hurt him as my own dad, right when he stressed me out.

I can kill anyone I want.

But I still got brains... I still got my mind here...

But I can’t just keep it all back into my deepest side of my heart.

So...

I’m trying hard to kill myself before I kill anyone just yet.

***

Then... how about your friends who care for you?

How about those teachers who smile to you everytime you feel down?

How about those people around you who are all willingly to read your depressing blog?

Those voices...

Halted me from committing suicide so early.

Go on, tell me I’m crazy but I’m in my most depressing moments right now. I don’t even think of living a quality life after being threatened like that.

Why?

Cuz...

When I go to school, I could atleast smile sweetly to everyone I want...

When I go to school, I could see happiness around me, and they let me feel the bliss of sincerity...and sanity.

When I go to school, I can widen my mind to something more advanced about life, about all these nature around us made by God perfectly...

And...

Atleast I won’t dare myself to kill a girl named Tomomi...

Before someone could actually make me stop thinking about...

…that.

Then...

At home, all I can see is darkness upon the ceiling...

I could see sadness and grief all over my house... although my cheerful siblings laugh heartily.

I can’t feel my senses, my instincts when I am at home...

I couldn’t sleep well.

I couldn’t eat properly... or sometimes I never eat.

I couldn’t relax myself... even though you see me lying on the floor quietly...

I couldn’t let myself free... as a cruel man called ‘dad’ being prejudice over me, saying that I would get influenced by those other kids out there...

Oi.

What do you think I am? A baby? A 3-year-old girl who doesn’t know anything about life???

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO BE KEPT IN THIS JAIL FOREVER.

Not me.

I need freedom. I need it so much...

Cuz I know I won’t disappoint you and mom, but you don’t believe in your own daughter...

You avoid me from talking to a guy... to socialize with a guy...

=You’re expecting me to become a PROSTITUTE by just talking to them?=

Fine.

Then take risk on having a LESBIAN daughter later on.

Stupid. Think. Otherwise… you’re gonna be stupid forever.

You’re ruining my social life...

And IF I really become a LESBIAN...

You’re the main reason why I become that.

You avoid me from joining any outdoor activities... You hate seeing me outside and do lots of healthy things...

= And are you expecting me to get raped? There?=

Fine.

Let it be. You don’t even know my past, so get the hell out of it.

You’re underestimating me, mister. You really are thinking that you’re the greatest man in the whole entire world to control your daughter like this... and then you said that you did all this just to make sure I’m growing to be a goody-goody girl.

What for?

When actually...

You’re the one who is making me worse. You’re the one who urges me to cut myself. The one who always wants me to get expelled from school...

Heh.

No wonder your first wife ran away.

And now... you’re poisoning MY MOM’s mind although you’re my REAL DAD, with all your stupid idiotic ‘religious-to-say-nonsense’ talks, speeches.

No wonder my half bro and half sis ran away from you...

Cuz since they stayed with you, their life got worse.

That was long time ago, where they were TWO victims of your stupidity principles.

And now...

IT’S MY TURN TO FAIL MY LIFE.

I know you like the sound of it, cuz you’re jealous of me.

That’s it.

I hate you.

But still...

I’m trying to keep myself sane… and starting to forgive all your mistakes over me...

So that I WON’T kill you.

BEFORE I kill myself.

Yarou.

Damare.

***

I hate myself.

If I were a boy, life would be much sweeter.

Than to be a bitch like this, being over controlled by him like this...

I prefer to die.

But I truly can’t.

TRULY...

Can’t.

=Tomomi=

What can I tell you?

I'm just a small, helpless person.

That's all I'll say for now

because sometimes words are

...completely powerless.

If this world were split into winners and losers,

I'd rather be a loser.

I always want to be a loser...

FOREVER.

Zutto...

Jyaa ne.

***

solitude2

Solitude. You are reserved and silent. You prefer
to be alone. People most likely annoy you if you
are around them for long periods of time. But
hey, you are a great listener and hardly miss a
thing.

What influences your style? (Anime pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Kore wa hontou ni shinjite iru to, dakara... ore wa ore da yo ne.

This one... I really believe in it... I’m what I am.

***

Shi wa...

Ore no hoshikatta dewa nai...

Saa...

Sou darou.

Death...

It’s not what I wanted...

I guess.

Posted at 01:34 am by Tomomi-chan

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