Chiming Charlotte

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

=Uragiri <~> Betrayal=

nakitai dake naite mo ii?

namida karete shimau kurai...

oogoe de sakende mo ii?

koe ga karete shimau kurai...

nakitai dake naite mo ii...

oogoe de sakende mo ii?

toki wa tatta...

can I cry just because I want to?

until my tears wither away

can I yell loudly?

until my voice withers away.

can I cry just because I want to?

can I yell loudly?

time has passed...
*adapted from Ayumi Hamasaki’s PS II*

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Huh...

Days passed time by time, not waiting me although for a sec, leaving me behind...

I’m suffocated by the sudden air filled with hatred and pain...

May the sacred in me revealed...

As long as I live... As long as I can breathe in...
Un... Time passed so fast don’t you guys think so? It’s been a month [well, almost] and exam’s coming! I hope I can do well this time, failing sure is hard to be accepted in my life. I can’t take it anymore when I just can’t get it why the hell did I fail in Physics a year ago??? I’ve studied alright, it didn’t work at all. All I see was blurriness, vagueness towards my future if this keeps on being all throughout my whole life!

That is one point why I’m not in the good mood right now.

ANOTHER one is quite typical among you... among ALL of us.

Betrayals.

*******************************************************
A week ago, I was absent to school, and that was all because of my migraine, and obviously I couldn’t go to school since my head was killing me the night before. So, I’ve decided to go and have a proper check-up at the hospital... and I love that place, frankly saying. The first step I went in the GP’s office, I was like... ‘How great this place is...I feel better even by just smelling its scent...’ And I was in my greatest mood that time, I didn’t know why and please don’t ask. I don’t know what should I tell you. (-__-;;;)

Some of my friends know me being a surreal person, I just love weird things. One of them is... the lab’s scent. That’s why I like it when it comes to Chemist period at school, as I can gain my nicest mood ever there. Maybe it’s cold, quite open-aired so I can breathe freely... [I’ve told you I’m suffocated by these days’ air, right?] whatever it is... let’s just get to the point, shall we?

Betrayals, ne?

You see... every person has its own right to share anything with anyone she or he likes. Including what am I doing right now, sharing my problems with all of you guys, whom I think ARE trustworthy. [not like some kind of people...] even being a human, sometimes you would think that keeping secrets for your own self for ages isn’t such a good idea, and that’s why we always share with those who we think are dependable enough to keep those furtive matters. Am I right?

So, me, being a human being have lots of secrets to tell anyone whom I consider as a friend, and a responsible one too. I got this... acquaintance [it’s ‘kenalan’ in malay, don’t you know?] not a friend although she keeps on saying that I’m her friend all the time. Ch, who wants to actually? I’m forced to ‘befriend’ her for some reasons, whereas, I got tricked by her ‘fake’ kindness and all she ever talked was boys, boys, men, men and lots of... boys. You know, she knows me being that kind of person who doesn’t really... consider certain boys as ‘nice’. [But the other boys, yes. I admit they atleast have some sense of kindness.] So, being a person who got hoaxed by that girl’s counterfeited benevolence [urghhh...]... I told her my secrets, my problems that caused me to cut my own wrist. She somehow accepted it with a wide warm smile [and now I realize it’s a SARCASTIC smile], and I was like feeling kinda relaxed as I’ve finally found someone to confess my true feelings to. And that was a year ago, where I wasn’t acting like this, since I was said that I was a nice, good whatsoever you call it kind of girl. I was one of the nicest girls in the list. Being that, I was accepted to study in this school [this school’s great I tell you].

I laid my deepest trust in her, and somehow I kept on telling her how bad my mood was everytime, and when I got some happy news, I would just share with her. I didn’t even care who she was, I just... let out my feelings about this. WITHOUT realizing that she’s a SLY FOX who doesn’t know how to keep secrets well enough. (-___-) I’ve told her not to, but she had no ears I suppose.

Until THIS year, that day I was absent to school... she took advantage during I wasn’t around to tell my class teacher about me, cutting my wrist everytime I felt like hell. Not only that time,. BEFORE that, she had once told a classmate about me, and that other girl is a un... how can I explain this to you? Well, she’s one of the Counseling Club members. Huh... Since then, I felt more and more worse. Teachers calling me, and so on. But knowing that this sly fox said that she’s actually worried about me, I just forgave her just like that. But then I know...

She lied. She doesn’t even know how to cure my bad habits, that is...

TO KEEP MY SECRETS AWAY FROM ANYONE.
By then the second time she told the public about me, I was like... She said she cared for me when then she was actually making my feelings even worse. She’s WORSENING my life for sure. What for?? We fought, and she kept on saying that she’s not the ONLY one who told the teachers about me, and yeah... I did believe in her that time. But then when I asked my others friends who were witnessing the whole chimpanzee-revealing-secrets scene, they all told me the same thing. THAT SLY FOX started the whole thing, BEFORE the others interfered. Now what do you think?

I don’t like to say bad things about her actually, but since she NEEDS someone to tell her the truth on how does she look like in the others’ perceptions, on how does she act to some people... I just hope she can actually realise that she shouldn’t be like how she is right now. But my principal is...

When you live, you live for yourself and no one can change you the way you are originally.

It’s just that it’s your own lifeline, no one can interfere or intervene without permission...

And even if they were, you can’t just push their perceptions towards you instead... you ACCEPT them, as long as it’s good for you.

Therefore, be open-minded and never close your mind on something frank, believe me...

You’re gonna regret the whole thing if you don’t.

But if they were trying to bring you down...

Ignore.

And keep this in mind, as long as you live... and no one can ever change you again.

Be yourself.

Don’t be like the others, don’t let anyone influence you with their habits...No matter how good or bad they are.

Things will change slightly time by time, and you don’t have to be panicked when someone approaches you and says that you’re the worse person he or she ever met...

As they’re not gonna save you from anything.

They’re deteriorating your life.

Ore o... shinjite kudasai.

*********************************************

Doushite...

Doushite naite iru no?

Itsu mo tsuyoi ko da ne tte iwaretsudsukete'ta

Nakanaide erai ne tte homeraretari shite ita yo

Sonna fuu ni mawari ga ieba iu hodo ni

Warau koto sae kutsuu ni natte'ta...

Hitori kiri de umarete hitori kiri de ikite iku

Kitto sonna mainichi ga atarimae to omotte'ta

Why...

Why am I crying?

They always said I was a strong child.

They praised me, saying, "you must be strong not to cry."

The more people said things like that,

the more even laughing became agony.

I was born alone. I'll go on living alone.

I thought that surely that kind of life is appropriate.

*adapted from Ayumi’s “A Song For XX”*

=Tomomi=

~Betrayal~

Posted at 09:37 pm by Tomomi-chan
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Sunday, February 15, 2004

Arigatou...

If I could use lots of colours and draw my feelings,

I’d pick up a brush and paint the whole wall black.

If I could line up tons of words and choose my feelings,

I’d pick up a pen and write everything around the Earth.

But I can’t do that cuz I’m so alone,

Giving away my feelings like that, so no one wouldn’t open the door,

Yes, the door.

The door of my feelings...

The door of my heart...

The door of my soul.

You don’t have to...

Cuz I’ve lost the key to open my heart towards love...

And NO ONE has found it yet.

-NO ONE-
=Adapted a few from “Key” by Ayumi Hamasaki” and MOSTLY changed by me=

&^&^&^&^&

Oh great, holidays...

We meet again, and I as usual would just... take care NOTHING but my feelings, and this time I just wanna be clear with everyone. I’m gonna explain everything about myself, and why am I always feeling like shit... almost everytime, and I just want your opinions that’s all.

Okay, let’s start shall we?

First of all, I just wanna make it clear about the main reason why am I making this depressing blog. Lots of people e-mailed me saying that why do I make this blog if I don’t want to burden others with it? And now, I’m going to tell you why. You see, being a sadistic person made me stressed, and have you heard a phrase saying, “You should express your feelings more often, otherwise you’re ruining your own life and be mean to yourself, also worsen your own lifeline”.

I believe in that saying, and also I AM struggling to be a better person with normal mind, devoid of any problems. I cut myself, just to convince myself and since I got no one to express my dire feelings, I just did it without conscious. And what made me that worse? Problems. And that’s why I made this blog perfectly about my feelings towards something, which made my lifeline shoddier than ever. You see, when I think about it and when I start to understand my own very self, I know that even I’m a mean person... I do care about others as well. I’m still a human, mind that (^^;;) You’re expecting me to be an alien from planet Mars? Ahaha...

So, in conclusion, I made this blog to express my own feelings, and no one would feel guilty about it, cuz the majority of you don’t know me, do you? Well, my classmates and my e-pals might know me damn well, but NOT most of you. So, this is a great way for me to express myself, and at the same time, it doesn’t trouble anyone at all as those who hate to listen to any other person’s feelings can just ignore this weblog, and those who care about others can just read and that’s all! They don’t have to burden their heads with my unsolved problems, and the good thing is I can atleast liberate my stress to the public without worrying anyone to get too emotional about this.

NOT only that, I made this weblog so that for those who think that they’re the worse people ever, can just read this site and can atleast increase their self-confidence as they can see me being the worse. [Maybe not in the whole wide world, but really... my life can still be described as more than worse. It’s extremely bad sometimes (-__-) Don’t wanna talk about it ever again.] See? Do you guys get it on why I made this site actually? I have no means at all to influence any of you to cut yourself, but if there ARE people who get influenced by it, then I’m not the one who’s stupid. THEY ARE, as they just follow whatever I do. Am I right? They’re the ones who’re stupid.

O~kay... Now to answer Mr. Edwin who is being so nice to me, and he asked me why do I hate holidays. *takes a mic and two stereos* I hate holidays cuz they give me lots of opportunity to CUT myself during nothing!!! (^O^) Well, you’re right when you said that I can study during holidays... but mostly I would get distracted by my own mindset, that is to hurt myself whenever I’m free. And I must say, I could just go crazy or berserk and reach my blade, then cut my pulse veins. UN consciously... While studying. Weird me...

What, you think I like to cut myself so much??? No, you’re wrong. Sometimes I would just stare at those other girls’ clean pretty wrists and then I would regret slicing my wrist just like that. But when I felt like hell, I would just cut my hand without any doubts. Yeah... then I would stare back at my bleeding wrist and asked myself “Why did you do that? Don’t you feel any pain cutting yourself like that?”

Then I heard something, my other voice in my head saying, “Why should you care??? No one loves you, no one takes care of you and even if you die...”

...It stopped.

There are LOTS of people who care for me, but I just... huh... hard to say this. Too hard for me, I’m used to saying ‘No one cares about me’ over and over again, and as the result... I can’t change my mindset back... (T__T) Tasukete kudasai... Ore o tasukete kudasai... *hugs Mutih*

Mutih: NGGHERIOOWWWWW!!!! (=I’m pregnant you sucker!!!) *scratches and runs away*

(T_x_T) *got scratched* Oww...

Well, it does hurt. But I feel satisfied doing it, and I’ve got no explanations for that. Really! I can’t explain why! Like when someone asks you “Why are you a girl?” And what would you tell that person? Nothing right? The same here... (^^) What kinda example did I give you? So silly, why are you a girl... XD I would say “Well, cuz I...” Whoops! I can’t say that, soooo sensitive! Even I hate to be a weak creature named a girl [although some girls are strong, but I’m talking about myself here] but what can I do? Things shall not be better though.

Sooo, did I answer your question, Edwin? And really, I’m glad you atleast attempting to correct my habits, but sorry... I can’t say more about changing myself just yet. I’m not ready to be the old, nice Tomomi ever again. Really, I don’t want the same thing happened to me again, not now! Like what I’ve said, being heartless is better than being no one, ne? [Although I care about others... you can still say I’m a heartless person, due to what I did to myself] And if you wanna share your probs with me, GO ON! I can atleast share something with someone than to spend my time slicing my head off. That’s so nice of you. If only you’re my bro, wouldn’t it be nice? Unfortunately, I have no big bro or a big sis at home, instead, I’m the big bro and the big sis to my little siblings. I’ve got lotsa little sis out there, but not even a big bro.

And I thank you for those who become my lil sisters: Chihori, Hanae, Kisaragi, Nad, Kit-chan (although she doesn’t want me to be her big sis, I can’t just ignore her!), Maz and those who I don’t really remember... ALSO, my twin sis, EIRI! XD Don’t ask me why, cuz we’re like twins! Big bro... Hakkai nii-chan? XD XD Arghh... another imaginary bro, huh? [See that brunette? That’s Hakkai for those who don’t know who he is.]

But I must say this... those boys who became my big bro before were all trying to get rid of me, and I don’t believe in strangers anymore. But friends, yes. (^__^)

But to all readers out there...

Thank you

Thank you so much for willingly lent me your heart for a little while to understand my problems.

Thank you so much for willingly lent me your feelings to share them with me and I can atleast think positive for a minute and think.

Thank you so much for willingly lent me your heart and make my life better, so I don’t have to curse myself the whole year and life.

Also...

Thank you so much for letting me borrow your feelings for a while just to alleviate the burdens on my shoulder...

Without you I will never survive. Without you I will never breathe in and out.

Without you, there will never be...

ME.

Arigatou minna-san. Hontou ni arigatou gozaimasu.

=Tomomi-chan=

Posted at 10:07 pm by Tomomi-chan
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Friday, February 13, 2004

Be me, or NOT to be me...

When you see someone worse of than you...

You feel relieved.

When you see someone happier than you...

You promptly become impatient.

But sometimes you realise just how pathetic you are...

And you CRASH into reality.

What the hell should I think? What the hell should I say?

It must be impossible to live...

Without hurting anyone.

Damn me.

[Adapted from Ayumi Hamasaki’s “End Of World” lyric – slightly changed by me]

*&*&*&*&*

Hi guys, we meet again as usual. And I don’t think I’m gonna entertain you with all my depressions right now, I feel worse than ever as SPM’s coming sooner than I thought before. Ch. I NEED to study peacefully you people out there! ::death glares at the ppl who interrupt me:: Don’t interrupt me will ya??? I’ve worked so hard to maintain myself for a couple of weeks and still... one by one thing came to me, trying to lure me outta the bright side and pull me back to the darker side.

Whatever it is, I just wanna say that I need to fight myself, like what one of the Saiyuki’s song is about. Fighting yourself. And I’ve told myself NOT to follow all my feelings too much, as I need some relaxation to calm my mind, at the same time, gaining spirit to work out for my SPM. Huh… but then tons of bad things happened to me since last month until now. It’s like I’m soooooo doomed to be let live in this world. Am I not... invited to enjoy life?

I often think about that sometimes. I always lost in whatever competitions I went in before. And the last week, I’ve participated in lots of English activities, and surely... I WAS SO FUCKING SUCK. Really, what do you expect from me? Huh... I’m so not perfect, just like all my other friends. They have gained happiness and absolute confidence. I cried, and still I didn’t feel any better but worse yes. I cut my hand again, and this time, AT SCHOOL, damn it! Ch, thanks to my blade, I finally succeed in taking over my anger and grief at school, right after I felt like shit. (^__^) Really, it’s satisfying. Well, whatever it is... one of my friend sulked with me when she saw me cutting myself. Actually she had already told me to NOT to do that again, and she’s the one who helped me and informed to my school’s counselor about this bloody thingies.

Heh, you should see when she sulked you know? She said that she’s a bit sensitive and she wasn’t only sulking about my matter, but something else as usual. Sorry girl, but I don’t believe you. Well, she actually cares for me a lot as I’m a big sis of hers. But one thing for sure, no matter who you are... My body, my life and my problems got nothing to do with you all. I really don’t wanna ruin your life just becuz I, being a worse person. Just... ignore me for those who know me so well. Hey, if I wanna disturb your life with my probs, I wouldn’t have been making this site!

I did this cuz I know the majorities of you guys don’t know me. You don’t even know who am I. So, what the heck?? I can express my feelings openly, and at the same time I can just stop anyone from taking care of me so much. I know, I wanna be cared and loved, but just like what I’ve said... I don’t wanna change myself just yet. I shouldn’t pursue myself doing anything that I don’t want to do. Hell, I hatye myself so much just like how I hate those who’s trying to change me back to a better person. Why?? Well, I might be mean, but I must say that I do care about others much more than I care about myself. Please, read this blog and that’s enough.

No questions asked. I won’t answer them either.

Things won’t get better in my life, believe me. I shall leave you all some day, and I’ll try my best not to worsen my entire life so much. I’m blurred actually, don’t know what to say more just to make myself feel better. I always lose in competitions.

Therefore...

I’ll always lose in life... As life is also a skirmish over soul.

Sou da no?

Are you too picky? She's NOT!

Quiz made by Angela

(-___-) Un… why the hell did I do this quiz actually? I don’t believe it at all…

“It must be impossible to live...

...Without hurting anyone...

...Or even YOURSELF.”

Things will never be right. In MY life, and I shall just watch anyone else’s happy life.

…Instead of enjoying mine.

=Tomomi-chan=

Posted at 10:46 pm by Tomomi-chan
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Wednesday, February 11, 2004

My true self, IF you really wanna know...

Konnichiwa minna-san...

Arghhh... holidays again. I feel like jumping from the 20th floor of my apartment right now, it’s damn boring! Yeah... coz when holidays approached, those teachers would give us tons of homeworks, and me, being a migraine sufferer couldn’t do ALL those works within just THREE ****ing days??? ::yells out loud:: Oi, what the hell are you guys thinking about??? I’m an innocent girl who just wants to study by herself, NOT following others’ commands! Huh... But for me, I think those teachers did that so that we stupid students can actually know something right? Yeah... I’m starting to think positive now.

See? I even curse. I look like a goody goody girl outside, and obviously I’ll never show off my attitude to the public, especially to my friends. This is MY problem, who are they to insult me IF I curse in front of them? Oh yeah... talking about friends...

Last week, I’ve chatted with my long lost best friend, Nadhila. She’s the best friend I ever have coz she’s the first to be frank and tell me the truth about myself, my attitudes. I missed her so much, although I bring along her picture everywhere I go, [except to the toilet, of coz -___-] and then thankfully, I’ve succeeded in keeping back in touch with her, at last! Well, I can say that’s the most wonderful thing ever you know...

I told her about my problems, and she definitely made me felt better, by just a few words! That’s why she’s my best friend, ever in my whole entire life. I don’t know what kinda magic did she use to correct my mistakes, I just don’t know. Nad just gave me usual advices, but hers were all different from what I’ve heard from those counselors. She supported me to continue my life, happily. Say... should I change? And be a happy-go-lucky girl instead of a pathetic creature???

You guys, I really wanna change actually. But since the supports are all like…hell, then I thought I shouldn’t change and be my true self. But being this true self of me really makes me hate myself enormously. I have no idea why am I feeling that way. Is it because of my outer appearances or maybe my studies? I just don’t know. Sometimes, I do dream of having a boy [or a GIRL] who can actually change my whole life, to a better way. I’ve waited for 16 years... NO ONE intends to do so. I guess I AM ugly after all.

Boys nowadays are so picky. They prefer nasty girls better then good girls. And because of that, I kept on being rejected. I know why, because they’re hentai. Damn hentai. But I must admit they are some boys who are really nice especially towards girls. [Unfortunately, I haven’t found any] Say... I’m talking about love again, eh? Cheh, why the hell SHOULD I???? I’m supposed NOT to believe in that stupid thing anymore, and being a heartless girl is better than being nothing.

…Ne?

However it is, I NEED to change my bad self. I should go back to whoever I was two years ago, like what Nad said, I should. [I know, I shouldn’t listen to others, but sometimes she’s the one who can break my ice-made cold heart] Yeah... and I know I must. But the problem here is who is going to help me with it? I’m alone, not even my family knows me being a nasty girl. Bad type, gothic. Note that, GOTHIC. I am. I used to like girly things, colourful ones. But then, I suddenly changed [maybe because of the hormone changing] and adore black dark things instead. My habit on cutting myself became worse, and I almost sent to the hospital right after I almost cut off my pulse veins. Oh yeah... but it feels so great you know. My parents asked me why, and I said nothing happened, hoping for further questions from them. But then, they didn’t even ask me anymore. It’s like... did they ignore me?

Okay, forget about that. Things should be better, I know. I’m not gonna be like this in my whole entire life ne? But what can I do? I need some opinions here, that, if you wanna help. I got blurred whenever I thought about it, and I need to study for SPM this year too. I have to study, but it’s just that my emotions are playing rough with me. Everytime I feel like studying, I suddenly feel another feeling, that is... Don’t study as you’re gonna die somehow. Like that, I don’t know what does it mean, and I don’t care so much.

Yume... dreams. I couldn’t sleep well every night, I keep on having terrible nightmares all over. And then I’ll just go to school with swollen eyes, and last year I often slept in class. Yeah... if you’re my classmate last year, you’ll know. [And I slept during the Biology class, damn it!!! I love biology!] But of course, I’ve got my own way to wake up myself, which is to pick up my loyal blade and bring it to school. So, whenever I feel like sleeping, I’ll just have to cut my head off. (^^) Great idea huh?

But this year... those dreams got to be kidding me. I dreamt about dirty, enormously awful nightmares last week. [Not to mention this week’s dreams] And I woke up after being chased by a dark shadow, and he almost killed me that night. I could still feel the pressure while he’s on me, taking out his own knife and he started to chop my wrist off. When I realised that I was just dreaming, I woke up with a deep scar on my wrist, due to what I did the previous night. Sweat all over my face, and my migraine attacked me once more. I fainted that very night, right on my bed. I thought I was dead, and I smiled. How wonderful is that? Heh.

But then, I suddenly found myself in the hall, panting right after I dreamt about something similar... But the funny thing is the HALL??? Why, I thought I fainted in my bedroom??

Okay, don’t say I’m bluffing, I’m not, and I’ll never bluff about bad dreams you know? I might as well sleepwalked or something... Now, how dangerous is that? I can’t confess the whole thing to my parents, they’ll surely don’t believe in me. [Not even YOU, ne?] But this isn’t a joke, I haven’t dreamt about something nice... even if there is, something would approach me all out of blue, and mostly, right behind me and he’s trying to kill me too.

Not only black scary figures... well, let me tell you something damn weird. About one of my nightmares...

I dreamt of a girl, raped me and she’s NOT a human, for sure.

I don’t know... but the problem is it’s a SHE forbid sake! If it’s a HE, then I wouldn’t care much. It’s just that... a girl? Oh okay, I must admit I don’t mind if a girl likes me, REALLY I don’t mind. But of course I would judge her first! [I’m outta the topic huh?] Okay, okay... that’s the weirdest nightmare I ever had. I don’t want it to happen again... Really really.

I believe I can always avoid bad things to happen by praying before I go to sleep, and I did. But still... It’s not like usual, it’s like... it happened FOR REAL. I don’t know what those dreams were trying to tell me about. I’m not a dream believer, no duh! I don’t think I believe in such stupid things, but I can’t do anything else than to feel the whole dream lively. I dreamt, I woke up, sweat all over and then... I fainted. [Most of the times, I did.]

That’s why... I wanna try to change myself back to who I used to be. But when I think about the old kind-hearted Tomomi who always smiled and been nice to everyone, it makes me wanna puke. I will never change, I’ve decided. This is my new ME, people should accept me the way I am.

They should.

“Feeling like sand falling through my hands…

Back then, the words that pierced my heart…

Suddenly started to throb in pain, but...

I've searched for pieces of myself,

Counting the endless nights all the while.

These feelings are becoming so certain

I almost lose myself.

Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far”

~Alone (Gensoumaden Saiyuuki)~

Yeah…

Rite now, without fail I will walk forward, ignoring others’ perspectives towards me, and I’ll still walk…

…However far.

=Love doesn’t exist in me and I don’t believe in it. Got any problems with that?=

~Tomomi-chan~

Are you NASTY or NICE?

Quiz made by Angela

…Cheh, even that quiz told me that I’m nice. Well, I guess it’s just tricking me with that, huh? GTH. (--#)

Posted at 03:04 am by Tomomi-chan
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Thursday, January 29, 2004

Do you believe in love? ...I don't.

Hey, it’s me again! [who else if it’s not me? I’m the official writer of this site, forgot it already?] Heh, whatever. Okay, let’s start with something VERY familiar with all of you, love stories ne? I know, I know… I’m such a kid, but still I have feelings right? Otherwise, I’m NOT normal. (-___-;;;) I wonder what if I AM abnormal for real? Hmmm… ::thinks hard::

Ah, forget that already. I was so stupid to fall in love actually, and lots of things happened to me in the past, which changed my perceptions towards love. I used to think that, love is some kinda thing which is soooo sweet, and it atleast can increase my blood pressure, and save me from sudden death. [Did I mention I’ve got low blood pressure too? That’s the main reason why am I suffering from migraines] I thought love makes everyone happy, and nonetheless... I must admit lots of people are mentally and physically changed by love. Don’t you think so? It’s like... having some kind of transmutations or something, that it can just alter you entirely. Just like that.

Yeah... since I thought love is a nice thing to feel [...I don’t wanna say it’s a nice thing to MAKE, coz I never make love with someone...urghhh...] and that’s why my stupid brains went all erroneous years ago, and I fell for this boy. Huh...I was so immature that time. Falling for that guy was the most remorseful thing I ever made in my whole life. He’s not that kind of person who likes to hurt others’ feelings but... I totally hated myself that time. It’s like, I felt as if what if love can never change me to whomever I was originally? What if I were flowed away by that feeling? What if... I change myself just because I like him?

Things didn’t flow nicely that moment when then I just realised I was just dreaming on the coconut tree when he got himself a gf. I somehow felt rather satisfied. As I had finally got a reason to NOT to like him anymore, which I was going to do so by any chance. Then, I started to make myself more mature, and I tried hard to do so. Hindrances did happen to me, and I DID ignore those things by the way. I just took a book, and started reading. Since then, reading is my life.

Why??? Hmm... it’s kinda hard to tell you, but I must say I’ve got some severe mental problem here [Wargahahaha!!! XD] Okay, okay... I do have a mental problem. That, to admit it after a long time I made it as a secret of mine. I’ve got this stress, it automatically comes whenever I finish doing something important, like studying as example. Every time I finished my studying sessions, I would go to my room [which contains LOTS of black things] and sat myself down. Doing what? I just took a large yellow penknife which I always bring it everywhere I go, and... and... umm... I CUT myself.

At school, I wear arm coverings [Like Sanzo’s, for those who don’t know what arm coverings are]. BLACK ones as my white ones are sooo NOT suitable with my dark precedent. So, I prefer having everything as black as it could, just to match it with myself, my own journey of life. I wear them, just to cover my deep scars from being seen by anyone, especially my friends. Those scars came from all those nasty bloody-arm-cutting sessions, which have become my habit. I did that because I want to be taken care of. I wanna be loved by someone, but since I’m actually trying to forget that feeling to live my own life... I just release my tenses on my body.

Not just cutting, I usually hit myself. You know, like knocking your head with the mortar and pestle, and I even tried to prick my head with a screwdriver. Well, it didn’t work though blood came out. I just love it when I see red thick liquid spurts out of my skin, I feel satisfied doing it. [This might be quite new to some people, just don’t follow my way of satisfying myself. It hurts, a LOT. Believe me, ore o shinjite kudasai. Atashi wa baka da yo. Zettai baka.] Besides, you don’t have to trail my method to gratify yourselves… You’ve got all those people around you who really take care of you. Not like me... I often am being neglected. Always... FEELING neglected.

My parents are okay, I know they love me damn much, so do my friends. But still... it’s like my mind is set NOT to say that anyone takes care of me, instead I keep on thinking that no one likes me or even they don’t wanna be my true friends. Yeah, I must say that I doubt my friends’ sincere means to be my buddy... gomen ne, minna-san. I just can’t get away from those feelings, I just can’t. Don’t say that I haven’t tried, coz I always tried before...but there were all useless. I’ve met with several counselors and they all said the same thing... “Try your best and fight back those feelings”

Cheh. What the damn hell were they telling me about??? Trying my best?? Like for-ever!!! They said the same thing every time I saw them, and that’s why I refuse to see any counselors from now on. They just make me feel more stupider than usual to believe those kinds of people who keep telling you to work hard, and they don’t do anything at all. Ignoring me, yes.

This is all about feelings you know... I realised I always think the wrong ways over my family and friends. I love them all, but what can I do to just set those feelings away from me? I got my own black past, I’ll try to tell you guys later on. It’s just... it’s too open to say it right now, right here...and don’t you think it’s kinda early too? This is just my second entry and I’m starting to talk nonsense. Yeah, I do. And why do I make this blogdrive?

Two things…

To show those people who are feeling the same way like me feel more relaxed as they don’t have to think negatively about themselves more coz I’m the worse. I guess... And of course, to just give them chances to contact me and avoid them to commit suicide…? Maybe. Coz I’ve done it before, and I don’t think it’s really a nice thing to do. [But like what I’ve mentioned earlier, what can I do?]

And I just wanna confess my feelings to the public, it’s like not everyday you’ll hear something like this right? Your life’s full of happiness... and me, sadness and books fill my life. Reading makes me feel like I’m in some kind of another different world, and the atmosphere depends on the book’s mood. I enjoy sad stories sometimes... coz atleast it help me NOT to feel so down-hearted since I can see the characters are more pathetic than I am. Am I right?

This site is actually talking about the journey of my life, which you’ll see that I’ll try and make more progress to cure myself. To cure my feelings and...

To appear love once more in my life...

But obviously, it’s gonna be my diary, until I reach my time… and leave this world forever. And that time, I’m not gonna suffer from any worldly things, and I’ll just enjoy my death. Hopefully. Just a site than can atleast tells you how students like me feel while living in this beautiful world... full of sadness, grief and sorrow.

I might say this because I haven’t experienced happiness or the sweetness of life. I might as well go without reaching them even with my fingertips...

“To love or not to love, we live our own way of life. We suffer from something and we don’t want the same thing to happen ever again although sometimes you feel as if you ARE mend to experience it since you were born. ‘It’ can refer to many things, and all you can think about is happiness over death and sadness, the darkness in your life, although you know you’re going to suffer from ‘it’ too, no matter how hard you’ve set yourself to only allow happiness in your verve. It’s useless, I tell you.

...It’s damn useless. Believe or not to believe... I’m originally ‘dead’...

…inside.”

~Tomomi-chan~

I'm World of Elegance! See which Ah! My Goddess angel YOU are...

I'm World of Elegance! See which Ah! My Goddess angel YOU are...

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Posted at 10:55 pm by Tomomi-chan
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004

My very first blogdrive...

Hey there...

Okay... this IS my first site in my whole entire life! ::wails out loud:: Well, things aren't going really nice these days, so I've decided to cheer up myself for some Internet entertainment! (Oi, not 'that' kind of entertainment, mind you...) Yeah...and I've got SPM this year and I need to study as smart as I can. (^__^) Ganbarimasu! Hmm...you know, I've been in my migraine dilemma since last week, which doesn't allow me to study more than usual. Heck, I've got something to tell you all out there, the moment when I felt like hell coz I thought no one would care for me, when actually those around me DO care about me! Woah...how touching is that? I'm gonna cry... (T___T) Uhuhuhu...thanks guys, for helping me that day...

It was the most wonderful day when I've got selected to be the school's debater! Yeah, I've been in such position before, it's just that I haven't compete against other schools! But of course, that was lonnnggg time ago. However, my English teacher told me to participate and join my two other friends, Raveena and Jagdeesh (Sorry, if I spelled it wrong). They're so damn nice to me, and they help me a lot about this debate thing. Right when the teacher finished 'bla bla bla' ing about all the regulations, I've started to feel it. My head felt like it's gonna burst out all its continent! Cheh, as if I'm gonna cry because of that thing...

Hmm...I did cry somehow. But not because my head feels like hell, but because of those friends of mine who really showed they cared about me. Thanks you guys, I really appreciate it! If only I can have everything right beside me, I would have wished to have YOU ALL as my family! I love you all like crazy! Yeah...and I am crazy afterall. Hehehe... Since that very day, I've started to feel more confident to let out my feelings as I've never done that before, coz I never believed people around me. NOT until they all showed me that I CAN trust them, and obviously...I would.

I've got this crazy habit, that is to cut myself. I've tried to commit suicide lots of times before coz I felt lonely, and I thought by doing it, I could at least feel satisfied as my blood trickled down my wrist. I know, I'm a weird person with stupid mind (-___-) And I've been called by the schools' cousellor since one of my friend, Maz told her about my habit. She's damn worried, I should have realised that before. Things aren't going to be the same once I meet that counsellor, I told myself. There's no use! I'm suffering from the 'lonely' disease since I always be ignored by others, coz I don't have any confidence to speak. That's all because of those who ignored my presence! It's not ME who really hate them, THEY hate me. They've once said, I'm a useless girl, and all I know is all things those teachers taught. Not more than that. By then... I've got some stupid experiences towards love...

To be continued...

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Posted at 10:21 pm by Tomomi-chan
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