Nokosareta tooi mukashi no
Kizuato ga uzukidashite mata
Furueteru kokoro kakushite
Hohoemi ni suri kaeta...
Ikutsu ni natte mo aikawarazu na watashi wa
Ima demo okubyou de
Tsuyogaru koto bakari oboete yuku...
Sukoshi zutsu mitome hajimeta
Iyasarenu kako no sonzai to
Kobamenai mirai ni ikura
Obiete mo shikata ga nai to...
Ato dono kurai no yuuki ga motetara watashi wa
Daiji na mono dake o
Mune o hatte daiji to ieru no darou...
Tashika na omoi wa kanjiru no ni
Nee itsumo kotoba ni dekinai
Daremo ga koushite kotoba ni naranai
Omoi o kakae nagara kyou mo ikite iru...
The old wound left on me
Begins to ache
I hide my trembling heart again
And pretend to smile
Even in my age now, I'm the same as before
As timid as before
I only learn how to pretend to be strong
Little by little, I've come to realize
That my past never heals
And that it's no use
Fearing the future I can't refuse
How much more courage do I need
To say with my head held high
"This is the only important thing to me”?
Though I have firm feelings
You see, I can't change them into words as usual
Everyone is living this way
With feelings they can't express...
~ Adapted from “No Way To Say” by Ayumi Hamasaki ~
***
Nee...
What’s the thing that you can’t get away with?
It’s kinda sad, nor sometimes we can feel it deeply inside without an inch of grief...
Since when it happened...
Since we haven’t been born to this cruel Earth.
It happened.
To me.
***
Last week, it happened last week. The venue? There, over there... Deep inside a forest, where there’re tons of other people around. But hey...
This is fate, no one can do anything about it.
Last week, it happened last week. The time? I don’t know... Cuz all I know is that she’s gone. Forever, leaving all her sons and daughters behind. Leaving someone she called ‘sweetie’ all the time...
This is also fate, no one can do anything about it.
Last week, it happened all of a sudden, even I didn’t know at first.
It’s been A WEEK, seven bloody days and no one had informed me about it at all. And here, in this damn house I was locked in, no one can ever let me out. And that’s why I didn’t know about this.
The fate... God decided all this from the beginning.
What could I do even if I knew it at the first place?
Could I actually stop her from going?
Could I halt the time and save her from something that everyone wishes that they could just go through it peacefully?
Death.
My grandmother’s dead.
She left the world behind, she left all her sons and daughters behind...
Leaving me her granddaughter here...
I love you. I’ll always love you.
May God Bless You there.
I’m gonna miss you for sure.
Sayounara.
Her life with us all...
She was a great grandma, my dad’s mom, the one who made my dad embraced Islam. She’s the one who helped us all solving problems...
She’s a loving, caring woman with determination although that she’s getting old day by day.
Until one time...
Problems occurred and I didn’t have any courage to correct them.
Brothers fought. Sisters mocked my dad...
Such horrible scene that was.
Long... quite long time ago.
I couldn’t do anything to atleast make my grandma felt better.
I’m useless.
But still...
She loved me.
She gave me enough protection when my dad went out berserk and beat me up like crazy.
She gave me enough nurturing that even my mom was a lil bit differed from her way of caring...
The greatest woman.
I’ll never forget her sad face when her sons started to ignore her.
I’ll never forget the way she hid her grief with her laughter...
I don’t wanna think about them all.
Cuz...
It makes me feel like...
I’M NOT ME AGAIN.
I’m starting to realise that I’m NOT heartless Tomomi...
I’M SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN.
I cry, I weep, I sob, I wail, I...
I’M DIFFERENT.
I have got a heart...
Ima ga... suru.
No...
I’ll NEVER change myself anymore...
It’s me, the new girl, not the past Tomomi.
Stop crying...
I must stop crying...
Grandma,
For your sake, I’ll stop crying and become a new person.
I’ll never be a weak girl anymore, I’ll fight on whatever I could.
I won’t make those who are still alive get sad or cry again just like what I’ve done to you...
I’ve ignored you before, since I’ve got no courage to stand up...
But now...
I’ll try grandma, I’ll certainly try.
~ Innalillahi wa innalillahi rajiun ~
With that, let us all recite the al-Fatihah as a sincere gift for her...
Allahyarham Ainon bt. Abdullah.
May God Sanctify You There.
~ AMEN ~
=Tomomi-chan=
Ore...
Natte wa naranai...
I can’t cry...
I mustn’t.
watashitachiwa watashitachi jishin...
...deinakereba imiganai.
We are meaningless...
...Unless we accept ourselves.
~ Shut up ~