Charlotte

Just a lil note (-__-)

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 07:46:15 GMT

We meet again, and this time I�m in my worst mood ever. I�ve realized that people are starting to get their butt into my business, although I�ve told them NOT to do so. I don�t really care about it actually, but they really are driving me crazy!

Who do they think I am? I�ve got nothing to do with them, and I did tell them to go to hell... Yeah, kinda harsh, but that�s the only way I thought would work well. Unfortunately, it didn�t work at all. Instead, they call me with names... until now.

Okay, I�m gonna be frank here, and I guess this is the only way to make me feel better.

People are starting to label me as �arrogant� or �snobbish� although I�m not that kind of person, to tell you honestly. Yeah, yeah... I do look like a horrible monster who doesn�t know how to smile as sweet as Vicky Zhao Wei or maybe the hottest Miss Universe! Another one, I just don�t want to talk most of the time... Well, why should I? If there's nothing necessary for me to talk, then I guess I shouldn't do so. I prefer to keep quiet, but if they wanna talk to me as much as they want, then go on! I won�t bite! Chikushou... They REALLY don�t have to talk behind my back! (OR insult me that badly...) It�s not just about me being �ferocious�, but there�re so many things... I just don�t know where I should start. In short, I�m always being offended by these cruel people... Their hobby, I presume.

Fine... to make this crystal clear, I�m most ticked off by these human beings who only know how to criticize, who only know how to condemn me although I don�t think that the things I�ve made are categorized as �sin�. Frankly, I DON�T think that you guys are SOOO damn fucking perfect damn it!!! You know what??? These guys are so stupid, so mindless, so silly... What actually do they want from me? I�ve got no money, what else d�ya want? You�re satisfied enough to make me angry with you?

I know it�s useless even if I kept on blabbering nonsense here, they would never listen. Cuz they keep on thinking that they�re so good at everything, WITHOUT realizing they�re as stupid as me, as silly as me, whatever it is. All the things I�ve made seemed so low to them, what else do you guys expect from me? Making this blog is enough for me to get pissed off. It�s okay to criticize IF they want me to improve my work, fine with me. But these damned people really are starting to get over the limit.

Say, we all have our own ways to express our feelings, and our ideas are absolutely different if to be compared with the others, no? Then what would you feel when a bunch of idiots told you that all the things you�ve done using your own creativity, your own ideas, with your OWN ways... are not effective, worst ideas in the whole wide world, what so ever... Those idiots don�t even have anything to do with us. Even if we fail, what�s with them? Suka hati aku la wei, nak buat apa pun yang ko sibuk memandai nak tukar idea orang tu apsal? Kau bukannya terer sangat pun, macamlah kau manusia yang paling genius kat dunia ni, apa benda yang aku buat semua salah. Blah ah kau, suka sangat nak jatuhkan orang lain� hanya nak jaga nama �baik� sendiri yang tak berapa popular pun. Really, orang macam ni memang menyusahkan orang lain. As the result, *exhales* I�ve become like this.

Sure, I�m a VERY FRANK person, and I don�t care about those guys. But at least, I DO have feelings, and right now I still don�t wanna reveal their names � which means; even though I�m such a mean person, I do understand their feelings, although they hurt me a lot (I DON�T CARE, but I DO understand. Compare these two, please.) You�ll never know how much they�ve hurt my feelings already. I know I�m not good, I know I�m not as perfect as them... Somehow they don�t have to be SO mean when it comes to �giving opinions� or should I say, INSULTING??? At least tell me what I am not good at, that�s all. Not to tease my own way, my attitude, my everything! Tell me what should I do to make myself better, WITH good manners. What�s the problem with that?

I just hate to make such a big fuss about my social life, but I really can�t stand this anymore. Mind your manner, that�s the most important thing you guys have to worry about. Cuz you�ll never know how people around you feel when you say something which might hurt them badly, and to make it worse, those pathetic people are starting to lose their confidence on doing anything. Anything, including things they�re good at. Those people you�ve hurt might as well forgive you, but what if you keep on doing the same thing (hurting them) over and over again? Even YOU can�t stand it, ne? Then, stop doing things YOU don�t like to the others, would you?

You�ve got to remember this as well: saying the truth isn�t a crime nor a sin, it�s okay to tell someone that he/she isn�t good at certain things... but hurting someone with your words might be a big trouble since you�ll never know what will happen to you in the future. You and that person might switch places, who knows?

Huh... whatever it is, I really hope those people know that they�ve done something bad to me. And all I�ve said above isn�t enough if to be matched up to the things they did to me, but I forgive them. They might as well don�t know what they have done, so I really really hope they can change their attitude. I�m not a prophet, therefore I�m not a faultless human being... even you. It�s impossible for us to be perfect, and we all have our own abilities, capabilities... So, stop insulting others� weaknesses just because you want to be a so-called-perfectionist. No, you�re not perfect. Others praise you that because they just want you to become better. Obviously, they would never say that you suck (but frankly, you DO suck to me), cuz they're trying to keep you in a good mood, otherwise you're gonna be down-hearted, got it??? Jangan perasan tak tentu pasal, pastu sakitkan hati orang lain!

Just because I told you I'm an open-minded person, you treat me as if I've got no feelings at all. No, you've misunderstood me since the beginning. An open-minded person may be an individual who accepts anything bad about her/him, but that doesn't mean that he or she has no feelings at all. This kind of people have their own patience limit, so beware. They might explode whenever they want, just like me right now.

Think about it.

This is my very last warning. If you ever make me feel like hell again, I�m not gonna forgive you. Our friendship�s OVER, that�s for sure. And don�t worry about it, I�ll surely inform you about it when it happens someday. I�m not the one who insults people with �sweet� words.

- saper makan cili dia rasa pedas, lantak kau la nak buat apa pun. Aku dah malas nak layan -

Exams, a birthday... and surnames???

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 07:45:22 GMT

Finally, exam�s over!!!

And it�s holiday again~ boring... I don�t go anywhere, just sitting at home, watching TV, playing whatsoever you call it, huh... Oh yeah, about the test huh? Basically all of them were quite easy EXCEPT for (-__-##) Add Maths. Damn... I knew I could do it last time, but my brain got infected by a virus called �laziness� and so I didn�t study much on this one... Instead, I read Biology almost all the time! (T_T) And luckily, the Biology questions were nicely done~ (^^) But when I thought about that stupid freakin� sub again... *coughcoughcoughaddmathscoughcoughcough* I was like... like... (^^;;;) Don�t know how to explain this, but it�s really hard! *sigh* I don�t have any tuition class also, now how can�t I call myself a dumb-bell???

Whatever it is, I hate Add Maths. (-__-##) REALLY hate it!!! *throws birthday cakes everywhere*

Gyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Birthday cakes!!! I almost forgot! Now let�s sing a �Happy Birthday� song for a girl named Tomomi! *realizes no one is singing* *crickery crickery crickets...* (^^#) Oh okay... Then, let�s get on with it, shall we? No singing, as you wish... It was my birthday on 29^th May, and I�ve got three gifts from my friends! XD It�s kinda funny, but I must say that I�m not used to celebrating my own birthday like this!

You see... since I was born, no one celebrated my birthday. I don�t know how could they actually forget about it, but I acted like I didn�t know nothing! (^_^;;) Yet, I almost forgot my own birthday date... XD But last last week, all my classmates wished me �Happy Birthday� LoUdLy!!! OMG... I�ve told our birth-dates-announcer not to tell anyone about my birthday, which was the next day after that day. (That day was Friday, and we were gonna have the P.E test) Actually that day I was planning to hide somewhere... yalah! It�s embarrassing me you know??? Sixteen years of living, and no one sang me a birthday song, who wouldn�t be embarrassed? (^^;;)

Thus, you know what I did? I got out of class frequently (and at the same time I was taking two other additional tests � Tasawwur Islam � at the library) and I tried hard NOT to let anyone know about my birthday the next day. *sigh* I failed though. They saw my presents, (ai... one of my friends gave me a BIGGGGGGG box � and a tiny gift inside. Even a blind person can see it... XD) Hehe... whatever it is...

THANK YOU GUYS!!!

(although I felt like running away the time you all sang that song for me...)

Okay, done with my birthday, here�re my wishes! (I�m not sure whether if we tell our birthday wishes to the others, then they won�t be granted... But heck, screw them all! I just wanna tell you guys, otherwise this entry is gonna be as boring as ever!)

***********

1. Obviously, to get all 1As for SPM and be a surgeon when I grew up!

2. To get a driving license (so I can brag in front of Edwin!!! XDXDXD He got it already, I envy him so much!!!) and have a car, of course la... What, you want me to drive a truck???

3. Get myself a bf (I know, it�s impossible! But just wishing won�t do any harm, ne? ^^;;;) AND make sure he�s not a gay. XDXD Somehow, it doesn�t matter if I don�t get any, I don�t even want someone to control me all the time~ =P

4. I want my own house, I�m dying to get one!!! (><)

I guess that�s it... hm... yeah... (^^??) I think I forgot something... OH!!!

TO GO TO JAPAN!!!

Muarhahahahahahahahahaha!!! XD

*gone crazy already...*

***********

By the way, I�ve FINALLY found my true SURNAME!!! Yaaaaayyyy!!! *jumps around, throwing confetti* okay, okay... I�ll stop it. Un... it�s actually CHUA, not CHIA!!! Huh... kinda difficult, that�s why I�m damn happy after knowing it! Here�s the story...

At first, I thought our surname was �Tan� since my dad�s Malay half siblings call him �Atan�. So, I considered it as �Ah Tan� and I came out with �Tan� as our surname. (without knowing that Atan was just a nickname...) By one way or another, I asked my late grandma about it, and she told me her surname was CHIA, and so I changed this whole surname thing to CHIA lor...

THEN!!!! *sigh*

One day, I found my dad�s new business card, and there, his name was �Abdul Aziz CHUA Abdullah�, and I was like...

(-______-###) totally bengang already! Who wouldn�t??? Huh... For us, family name is a VERY important thing, otherwise we�re gonna lose our identity! (even though I�m a girl, and girls don�t really take this thing seriously, but...I AM THE FIRST DAUGHTER OF THE CHUA FAMILY!!! *sigh, sigh, sigh!!!*)

Whatever... since then, I kept on arguing with my dad on which one�s actually our real surname, and he kept telling me it�s CHUA not CHIA! But then I told him about his late mom�s surname, which was Chia... and you know what did he say???

Dad: (-__________-;;;) That�s HER surname la bangang. Ours is C-H-U-A. You got it, or should I knock your head on the wall???

Me: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???? (o.O) Then what were we fighting for over the past five years???

Dad: Padan muka. Apsal tak tanya awal-awal??? *leaves*

Me: (O.o) *speechless*

(^^;;;) That�s the story... and I�ll never make a big fuss over it again... We�re always fighting over the same topic over and over again, even while we�re eating, watching TV, in the car... Huh... And I lose to him??? Warghhhhhh!!! (><) *eats KFC�s new Chick �a� Cheese* *nyamnyamnyamnyam...*

(T__T) malunya... Okay, done with it. For your information, my dad�s name in his IC is kinda different. Well, he lost his birth certificate when he was 10 or 11, and so he put his name before his STEP DAD�s name! Ai... actually it�s wrong (even in our religion), and that�s why he told everyone his real name is Chua Abdullah... *whispers: Padan muka, apsal tak jaga BC betul-betul???* XPXPXP

(^_____^) sated! XDXDXD

Okay, that�s all... and finally, I would like to thank EVERYONE who wished me a very good luck in my xm, thank you so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

(Mind wishing me good luck for the oncoming SPM � Trial?)

BYEZZZ!!!

*Ignores all the grammatical mistakes and rushes to KFC to get another stick of Chick �a� Cheese*

= Tomotomotomo!!! =

(I want a car!!! Hate walking to KFC! I look like a chicken!) XD

WISH ME SUPER LUCK!!! (^O^)/)))

Mon, 03 May 2004 06:47:47 GMT

�Warghhh!!! Study, study, study!!!�

Oh My Goodness!!! I�m gonna take my mid-term exam like... the NEXT WEEK??? Warghhh!!!! *freaks out* Tasukete anyone!!!

Ai... I don�t know what should I do when it comes to exams... Usually I would just lie around, all over the floor (without realizing the floor is covered with Mutih-chan�s germs!) and I almost ignore all my books, when the exams are approaching. Un... And not to mention, I DO eat a lot... (^^;;;) I shouldn�t eat so much, otherwise I�m gonna be as fat as a pig!

Gyaaaa!!! What am I blabbering??? Okay, since the next week is my very very important week, I want you to PLEEEAAASSSEEE wish me luck for all the subs I�m gonna take! (^^;;;) Want me to tell you what do I take? Well, non-Malaysians might not understand what am I talking about, but hey... just read it, atleast you know how many freaky subjects I�m gonna take!!!

Okay, here we go...

Malay Language
(sounds easy, but... I suck at Malay, than EL!!!)

English Language
(Woah! My fave!!!)

English for Science and Technology
(Kinda tough, but hey, I love it!)

Mathematics
(^__^)v Can do it, shinpai shinaide!

Additional mathematics
(Damn...)

History
(OMG... I hate reading about dead people...)

Biology
(Aiya... I actually love this sub, it�s just that I get blurred easily, so it�s impossible for me to get A++... ...A- is the best I can get I hope~ (-___-) )

Arghhhh!!! I MUST be a doctor!!! (><) Otherwise, I�m gonna kill all the docs in the world!!! (^^;;;) Stupid revenge...

Physics
(I heard the questions are gonna be as easy as nuts! But somehow, I must admit I�m bad at Physics, and I only love to study it, but I hate doing its exercises!)

Chemistry
(No comment. Hate chemistry, just love its lab.)

Religion
(T__T) I know it�s easy EXCEPT when it comes to SIRAH, I suck at it!!!

Tasawwur Islam
Oh... this one isn�t necessary but since it�s easy, I�ve decided to take it! It�s not risky though. Even non-Muslims can take it, I at first couldn�t believe it!

P.E Test
Huh... Don�t ask. It was terrible, indeed.

Ara? That�s that? Hm... You know why am I making this exam as such a fussy matter??? Cuz...

This exam is gonna make me go to the 11th Graders Convocation party for this year!!! Yeap! If I fail in this exam, that means... I won�t attend to that occasion ever!!! (TOT) I wanna go, I wanna go! My school is kinda... wealthy *warghahahaha!!! XD* (^^;;) And so, the principal promised us handsome profits if we do well in this exam.

Who won�t by the way, right?

I know, I�m not that tensai (It�s genius in Jap!!!) and I really need to work out my own brain, otherwise... I�m dead!!! I don�t know what happened to me all out of blue... Usually when any exam is approaching, I would just be like �lipas kudung� or as busy as a bee, studying here and there, talking all day about Biology and History (Yup! I ALWAYS talk to myself about these two subs!) and I couldn�t eat well! But now, I realise that I�m getting lazier and lazier, that I feel weak, no more energy to gain in case if I�m in the mood for studying...

NO MOOD AT ALL!!! (><) What�s happening to me???

And you know what have I done?

I sent an email to all my friends on �How do you study?� (^^;;) I know it�s kinda lame, but that�s the only way I guess... To increase my self-confidence to study? Hm... Now I only get five or six replies and...

EIRI-CHAAAANNNN!!! ARIGATOU!!!

Yeah! She gave me the best advice ever! On each subject, also the tips... *swoons* I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH, FUTAGO-CHAAANNN!!! (^^;;;) is it right? Huh? Huh? Is that right, Chihori-chan? Hmmm?

Yeah... and about my Japanese, it�s getting better day by day, and I can atleast curse my cats and my siblings (even my friends and some boys I really hate at school) in Japanese. I know, I know! Anyone can do that right? Hehehe... But still, I want a Japanese Class!!! Gyaaaaa!!!

I�ve learnt the basics, the grammar by myself, and it really works! (^^) Now I know what kind of ability I�ve got...

I�m yet creative, (^^;;;) boasting myself again...

And... I can easily learn foreign languages! It�s just that if I REALLY wanna be one, that means I HAVE to learn the languages like... (@__@) ... You know what I mean... It needs 100000x more works than those who have classes! Uhuhuhuhu... Wouldn�t it be better if I can attend any class?

Oh, and one of my sis-by-oath told me, IF I go to any university someday, there might be classes teaching foreign languages! Yaaaayyy!!! For free, another yaaaaayyy!!! ((((^o^)/)))

I know... I�ve got too many dreams to accomplish... So, I guess education IS everything after all. But I want some support! Give me, give me!!! (^O^) Just greet me �ganbare� or whatever it is, I want someone to support me!!! Onegai shimasu!!! *bows deeeeeply* *CRACK!* O.o MY BACK!!! It�s broken~ Uhuhuhuhu... (TT)

Un, un... What else should I say here...

OH!!!

And to those who are going to take important exams this month or maybe the next month or maybe... un... ala, this year lah!!! I hope you guys can do it VEEERRYYY well!!! Now here are my wishes to those I damn know (a.k.a my close pals)!!!

Sri

Hiya! (^^) My one and only best of the best pal in the whole wide world!!! Study smart as you always did, and smile, smile!!! Be happy always and I will never let you down as a best pal, as u r the most comfortable to be with! Uhuhuhu... I miss hugging you lah!!! (T__T) When are we gonna meet???

Till my teeth all worn out???

ARGHHHH!!! Go get a driving license la Sri! Come here so we can have a date!!!

*realises Sri taking a BIGGGGG axe from the kitchen*

(O.o) OKAY!! OKAY!! It�s not a date! It�s not a date!! Uhuhuhu... I�ll always miss you and the others! (You the most, that�s obvious.)

(^O^)/))) GOOD LUCK in everything you�re in!!!

Eiri

Wai!!! Do ur best in SPM, promise? Who knows, we might be studying in the same college in the future!!! Ganbatte!!! I�ll always support you no matter what, and also thanks for all those useful advices you�ve given me since we�ve become friends!

Plus, tq for being an understanding twin! We�ve got so much in common, are we really twins actually?

(^.^) Na�ah!

Good luck in �Teen Angel�, I�m sure u can do it BETTER than anyone else!!! (I wish I were Kate! Muarhahahahahaha!!! XD Naaah, just kidding!!!)

*runs away*

Chihori-chan

Hey Chiho-chan! You�re the one who taught me how to make my own blog, the one who taught me Japanese and the one who really helped me with my grammar, and also for making me feel good when I really needed them before!!! (^^) If only we can meet each other, I would be most glad!!! Now since you�re still in 10th Grade, I wish you can do well in your final exam (ai... mid term pun belum lagi...) Okay, sorry, sorry! Un... Be happy always, and please do your best okay?

You�ve got the talent to draw perfect shoujos, ganbatte for your future drawings!!! Be the best in SPM next year too!

(^^) Love ya, imouto-chan!

Hanae

Ohohohoho... Why, I shouldn�t say more, as you�re already a genius, ne, Hanae-chan? (^^) the most confident girl I�ve ever met, that�s you! Thanks for teaching me on how to use Messenger before, and to change me to a new better person, I�m glad that you�re my imouto-chan, atleast I�ve got someone really frank to tell me what�s wrong with my own self. Yeah... Hard to find a Hanae like you, cuz most of my friends are too nice to comment me frankly!

But hey, I like your attitude so much! Just make sure you don�t overdo it to the others, they might not be as open-minded as me... *ai... boosting myself again~*

Whatever it is, good luck for your oncoming exams! PMR later huh?

(^.^) Huggishhhhhhhh!!!!

Kit-chan

Hiya!!! (^___^) Good luck for your exams, and un... I guess maybe you�re just too interesting to be with, that�s why you always feel bored... (^^;;;) Cuz you�re too remarkable to befriend with!!! Thanks for everything, and sorry to hear that you�re planning to shut down your bloggie...

It�s NOT REALLY boring, but since you want to, I can�t say anything.

Smile always, u look most beautiful when u smile. (Ahhhh! Don�t kill me yet! You�ve told me you don�t wanna be called �cute� ne? Then beautiful u are. (^^) ) Thehe... may God bless you! And un... decrease your �f� words, could u? Please?

*Muarhahahahahahahahahahaha! XDDD*

(^o^) Love ya too! Don�t get mad with me, or you�ll become as old as un... who ah? Yeah!! Shampoo�s grandma!!! *lol*

(^___^) Smairu, smairu!!!

Kisa-chan

OI!!! Why is it so hard to find you nowadays??? Where were you??? I miss you like crazy ya knoe??? Come back and...

GOOD LUCK in your exams!!!

(Akabane rulez huh? Hehe...)

!!! BEAR ((((^o^)/))) SHAKE !!!

No, no...

!!! CROW�S ((((^.^)/))) FLAPPIN� !!!

Love you imouto-chan!!! (You�re the youngest, remember that! Ch, you�re the most manja one you know?)

Edwin

Can I copy your answers in that exam??? *LOL* (^^) Glad being your friend, cuz atleast I know not ALL boys are bitches. You�re absolutely not one! XD OMG, I�m getting more insane...

Whatever, good luck for this exam!!!

*muttering : Why am I wishing this genius a good luck??? Ch, I should have wished MYSELF luck!*

(^^;;;) Oro..? Oh okay, that�s all! Ganbatte!

= Sorry if I ever made any mistake to you, I�m really sorry!!! =

OTHERS

I might have forgotten your names, and so...

FORGIVE ME MINA-SAN!!! (TOT) I REALLY DON�T MEAN TO DUMP U GUYS!!! But I�m having my worse amnesia here!!!

Just to wish all of u GOOD LUCK, and pls DO wish me back... My luck flew away last week, after so many good things happened... *aiyo...* (^^;;) Na�ah, never mind that. Ganbatte everyone!!!

= Studying Tomo =

�ARGHHH!!! It�s 2.00 in the morning already???�

*faints*

TRUST

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 06:37:10 GMT

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

We meet again in such a horrible state, where I am now really really doomed by my own life, though you might say it�s normal...

It�s so not normal. I know it, cuz I live my own life. I understand my life more than anyone else of you here, and I admit I hate to live my own and I still want to live others� life. Who wants to be me, anyways? No one.

About this quite late entry...

Something happened to me last last week. And I should say that I felt like dying right that moment seeing others gawking at me while my tears went rolling despicably on my cheeks, leaving others with such leftover sorrow I used to feel an hour or maybe just a sec before that...

Just then...

I realised that my own dad doesn�t believe in me at all. He doesn�t even lay a single trust in me, instead he kept on thinking about mad things like...

Me having a date with a guy.

Me...

Having a fucking DATE with a GUY???

Oi,

I�ve told you, I hate boys didn�t I? Ne, you guys? See? Even some strangers know me well, and then what the hell happened to your brain, my dear father? Whom I guess you�re the one who should believe in your daughter the most, better than anyone else.

But you don�t believe in me do you?

Then why should I care? I can be a lesbian whenever I want. [God, please don�t let me be that.] Cuz since you�re soooo stupid when it comes to social life, then I guess I SHOULD be all upturned. Reversed. Whatever you call it.

I don�t even care, really.

But I cried. I cried so much that my head started to burst out all its components. I wished I could fly away, leaving that place, that place which made me felt like hell, instead of feeling normal just like the others. Just like my pals, just like my teachers, just like the strangers staring, gaping, and even glaring at me with disgust...

I don�t want to feel like I�m in heaven, I just hope that everything would be normal. Just the same as the other living creatures around me. I actually don�t want this to happen...

Cuz when it happens, I will cry out my tears.

And last Friday...

I screamed so hard.

Came back from school, throwing all my books everywhere, crying like someone else I didn�t even know who she was...

And damn... I was lost in my own self.

I screamed.

Till my ears went deaf for a day, that I couldn�t talk to myself. I tried to listen to Linkin� Park, though the volume was so sky high...

Blood dropping down my wrist again, fell on the parquet...

I couldn�t hear anything and... I felt glad. I smiled, and I laughed while tears were still wiping all over my face...Even if I wouldn�t have to listen to all those curses and bad things from my own dad, I would be much much grateful to be deaf forever.

Nee, you guys...

I know you might say this is normal when a man whom you call a dad went to your school just to check out whether you�re dating with someone who doesn�t even exist in this world...

And before he came over, he promised your mom that he would beat you up till your last single drop of blood on the ground right in front of the others... And he would never admit you as his daughter or son...

When he sees you studying with your friends and your teacher�s also there, he called you and scolded you for being a pervert and stayed at school until 2.30 in the afternoon... While your mom pitied on you for that, that she even felt like crying when she saw you screaming on the top of your voice...

When that man you call �dad� answered �YES� when you asked him...

� What, you don�t believe in your own daughter???�

Nee...

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

TELL ME...

What if this thing happened to you?

What would you do?

Would you cry and scream just like what I did?

Would you fight back your dad or maybe sulk with him for the whole life?

Sometimes when we�re so down of ourselves, we will atleast want someone to trust in you, to embrace you with all their love, to cover your heart with all their faith...

And when you find out that person you always hope to be your protector when the time comes doesn�t even belief a single thing in you...

��

Don�t tell me what would you feel.

Just don�t.

Cuz even if you do, that would just make my heart hardened even more to even accept myself as a human being, as one of God�s servant, as one of the girls in the world, as a student who�s taking her O-level this year...

And even if you want to...

Please do so. I don�t care about myself anymore. No one can exactly save me from this horrifying shadow of glum, no one can actually make me feel better even with myself.

Cuz now I�m thinking about how to run away from this life, though I know it�s impossible to do it but...

DEATH.

I don�t want to die just yet. I still got my mom, I told myself. She coaxed me up that day, hugging me tight telling me to calm down. And that was the first time I ever got hugged by someone I really love...

Wouldn�t it be nice if it happens everyday? Every sec?

No, it wouldn�t.

All I could do was shutting my mouth up, making myself dull just to let my mom felt a bit better after a loud shocking scream. I don�t care, and even if I were dead that time... I wouldn�t care. It�s better if I�m dead, though I know it may be hurt a bit but...

Atleast God�s with me.

Ne?

But for sure, now, I don�t think that I�m ready to accept myself as me. And I don�t want to make those around me to be worried so much, cuz I�m not worth to be worried at. I know...

It sounds like I�m being extra sulky huh?

No, I�m not.

This is all about self-confidence, such a lame subject BUT I am the one who needs it like damn crazy. People don�t care, but I DID care. I DID, and now...

Atashi wa nani shite iru no?

What should I do?

= Tomo =

As long as I live, I will find out the answer on why am I still here, living my own life and why the hell am I still breathing when actually I thought that I felt damn suffocated by these silly things.

Huh...

Damn. Stop crying, will you Tomomi? It�s useless even if you cried...

You don�t want your mom to coax you like that ne?

Poor her... You shouldn�t have been troubling her these years you�ve gone through along with her...

She�s too nice.

You�re too mean.

That�s why...

I hate you, Tomomi.

Kimi ga kirai dakara.

Hopeless...

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 06:49:05 GMT

***

The old wound left on me begins to ache
I hide my trembling heart again
And PRETEND to smile

Even in my age now, I'm the same as before
As timid as before
I only learn how to PRETEND to be STRONG

Though my heart is filled with feelings to convey
You see, I can't change them into words well
If I had not met you
I wouldn't even have such an embarrassing pain

Little by little, I've come to realize
That my past NEVER HEALS
And that it's no use
Fearing the future I can't refuse

How much more courage do I need
To say with my head held high
"This is the only important thing to me�?

Though I have firm feelings
You see, I can't change them into words as usual
Everyone is living this way
With feelings they can't express

Though my heart is filled with feelings to convey
You see, I can't change them into words well
If I had not met you
I wouldn't even have such an embarrassing pain and ...

~ Adapted from �No Way To Say� by Hamasaki Ayumi ~

(T_T) Hi guys... we meet again... Uhuhuhuhu...

I don�t even know the reasons why but I think that I�m starting to lose myself again, just like before. I bet all of you have known that I am such a stupid girl, ne? I can�t do anything right, as they all would turn out no good at all...

You see, last night I was thinking about making a story and I just wanted to publish it in the school�s magazine. Though I love science more than any other else, I always want to be writer someday. I always want to be that. I used to think that I can always write a touching story about life, about the things which we people always wanted to know about. I worked hard on my literature, I worked hard to gain A++ for my English and Malay Language... And so, I DID it all nice.

So, when the time had come, I had tried to write, I had tried to compose atleast a good story, but hell... What had come out was SHIT! Each line I typed in, I would feel more and more satisfied. But just when I looked back, just when I reviewed the whole essay I had made... I lost hope again.

Why the fucking hell should I face all this??? I want to be the best, can�t I? Why do the others can succeed, but I can�t? Why can�t I just lay down all my ideas and the others would atleast say, �Hey, this is brilliant!� Can�t they? Can�t I? Huh...

I have written tons of stories before, and I ONLY published two stories in the Internet. And still, no one liked them. No one, should I repeat that? They didn�t prefer my stories at all... They said my stories were all lame, including the other stories, which I haven�t published yet. And they told me I was such a horrible writer just when I wasn�t about to put in the best plot out of all! Can�t they wait? Can�t they be patient just for a while and atleast give me some support? Just a Good Luck, that will do much to me enough. Though some people do say they like my stories... When actually they lied. Just to make me feel better... But I still want to be the best, and I'm working to it.

But it�s like... the world�s NOT siding me. Instead, it keeps on staying by the others sides, and surely I hate it. I hate that to happen on me, since I AM SO DAMN FUCKING BORED BY BEING IGNORED. I want everyone to see me as a positive person, but I can�t be that just like magic...? I need something, a catalyst or whatever you call it to make myself a better person once more.

And what have they done to me? Then, everytime I wanted to start writing, I would think �Why should I write if then the results will be like dull? No one will read them though, who cares about me and my stupid stories? I�m not destined to be a writer though...�

But heck, I just love writing. Can�t I just do my own work without thinking all about those things???

Here, I�m not blaming anyone who had once criticized my stories. At school, at home, wherever. Cuz I believed critics REALLY help me to be the best out of all. And they DID help me. Not, until I just realised that every attempt I�ve made, even I, myself hate to read my own stories. It�s like reading shit, it�s useless. No point at all, but wasting my time, yes. So it�s more than clear that I�m blaming myself for all these down-hearting things.

I�m not strong, and I�m trying to be one. But each time I tried to do something to make myself stronger, there would be tons of reasons why I shouldn�t be strong. Till now, I don�t even know what are they... I just lost hope, just like that. And unfortunately, to make things worse, no one help me with it. And they would let me fall inside the deep scary well...

That�s why I would feel touched easily. I won�t cry but obviously since I haven�t got any nice comments about myself... (Y_Y) Where can I find all these things? Heaven? Huh... When I rethink the whole matter, it�s like I am just being silly towards myself. I can�t even make someone to praise me for whatever I do, that is so not genuine! I can�t even help my own self, then how come I can thrive for success in the future? I hardly DON�T want to depend in any one in order to make myself as a one better person, instead I always want to try this all by myself. I want to show the world I can always do it no matter what it costs.

But then... I just can�t.

What can I do now? Should I avoid myself just like before? Should I avoid all my feelings? Should I...

Be dead once more inside?

I wish I don�t have to... but what else can I do?

I don�t want to be sad, as being sad is the sign that I�m giving up already.

BUT I�m also a human, and I have feelings too.

Still...

OH SHIT! I�M CRYING AGAIN!!! DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!

****************************************************

Nokosareta tooi mukashi no
Kizuato ga uzukidashite mata
Furueteru kokoro kakushite
Hohoemi ni suri kaeta

Ikutsu ni natte mo aikawarazu na watashi wa
Ima demo okubyou de
Tsuyogaru koto bakari oboete yuku

***

The old wound left on me begins to ache
I hide my trembling heart again
And PRETEND to smile

Even in my age now, I'm the same as before
As timid as before
I only learn how to PRETEND to be STRONG

Tell me...

How am I going to do if I�m so weak that I can�t even PRETEND that I�m stronger?

Oshiete kudasai, onegai.

Just tell me anything.

This is my biggest problem of all...

NO SELF-CONFIDENCE at all.

Though I�m good at acting, pretending... I know that everyone will know it some day...

That a girl named Tomomi is just a fake.

She�s NOT brave, yet she�s not even a stronger person as what she told us...

I don�t want that...

Sore wa ore no hoshikatta mono dewa nai...

NEVER EVER.

SCHOOL'S REOPENING!!! (\(^o^)/)

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 10:04:36 GMT

***

I want to go to that place.
I've prepared for my journey; all that's left is to start running.

The closer I get, the more I seem to understand,
but I still pretend not to see.

But I've come to the point where I can't turn back,
and that's where I hesitate.

Even stopping scares me. Fragile and crying, you said to me:

�Being sad is the same as giving up.�

In gathering, displaying, and viewing only beautiful things
and seeing only beautiful dreams,
I was only lamenting reality.

Trying to give a shape to happiness is the same as saying...
there's no reason behind love.

Yes, I've been thinking too hard, in my head.
I've been searching for answers I don't expect to find.

I'm tired of those days of meaningless fun.

While chasing and being chased, I've lost sight of my home.
So as not to be hurt any more, I closed my eyes and turned away.

In gathering, displaying, and viewing only beautiful things
and seeing only beautiful dreams,
I only lamented reality.

No matter what this place is like, no matter where I go next,
I'll share my freedom and loneliness.
I think I can make it as I am now.

***

~ Adapted from �Naturally� by Hamasaki Ayumi ~

***

Finally!!! (^O^) School�s reopening next week! Yaaaaayyy!!!

(^__^;;;) I know I�m acting weird, weirder than always... But this is what happened whenever school�s reopening, I just don�t know the reason why~ Although I have some grudge over school, I still love going there! Maybe it makes me a better person? Hmm...

There�ll be EIGHT more months to SPM, and I just can�t wait for the real thing to come! I don�t think I�m prepared enough but after SPM, I can go anywhere I want... I want to find my own house, I don�t want to live with my two stupid siblings. The ticked me off almost everytime!!! (T_T) Even I feel like crying... hollering to them on how disappointed I am with them both. I always wanted a sis and a bro to care of, but what I got are... un... whatever you call it.

Okay, back to school! I�m determined to study hard from now on, just to make sure I can get all As for those freaking subjects. Huh... It�s quite hard you know? I�m not a genius though... I�m not even an average person! Just look at my monthly test results!!! (><) I felt like killing myself already when I found out about it last last week... (T_T) I wonder how come those people out there are sooooo smart???

OSHIETE KUDASAI!!! [=Please tell me!!! ] (T_T)

Nee, how is it like to be a genius? It must be great huh? And I�ve been dreaming to be like that one day, who knows? But after 17 years [Oh, okay... It�s only 16 years and 10 months... (-_-)] I haven�t found any clues on how to be a tensai! How, you guys??? Just tell me how!!! I�m dying to be a genius here!

Huh... fukanou desu ka? Sou ne...

I even thought it was impossible before, but thinking about those who purposely showed off in front of me, comparing my results to theirs... I felt such a horrible feeling. Even if I�ve got excellent marks for my subs, then I wouldn�t have been showing them to my classmates! Cuz I know how does it feel when it comes to losing to someone you adore, or maybe abhor so much.

But there are some people who really give inspirations to us on how to be just like them. I know, I�ve met tons of them before and now. But every time I tried to change myself to a better person, there would be another obstacle. It�s that damn self-confidence again. And so, thinking about that, I made myself into lotsa competitions just in case if I won, then it would be such a helpful thing to help me gain my confidence as well. I DID participate in those things.

But they were just making me worse, yet they made me felt down-hearted MORE than before I joined in. Well, I did tell you I�m a loser, ne? There�s always a reason for all these things I�ve said... And I certified myself as a loser AFTER I lost in many competitions. Say, even if I won, that wouldn�t do much...

Like example, I�ve won the first place for the essay contest. But I couldn�t feel anything as those who won more than just a stupid prize like me... (TT) Naze da??? Uhuhuhu... I got jealous of them! Damn it! I wasn�t supposed to be like that, but I couldn�t do anything. They�re so perfect that I almost fell sick for a week after that. Fever lah, flu lah... aiyo... Even my head hurts again now.
(-__-;;;) Itai yo~

Until, when I saw someone worse off than me, then I would feel relieved. Like one of those Ayumi�s songs, it says...

When you see someone worse off than you
you feel a little relieved.
When you see someone happier than you
you quickly become impatient.

~ �End Of World� by Ayumi ~

See? I�ve told ya her songs were about our life... It�s happening to me right now. Oh okay, I�m making myself saddened again!!! Wai... school�s gonna reopen and you�re feeling like shit here???

SO??? Don�t bother me, ignore.

Ignore.

Then I won�t go anywhere, be a loser forever in my entire whole life.

Huh?

I WON�T!

I�ll... try and fight them back. As long as I have my brain, then it won�t be anything wrong ne?

That�s what I always think when I�m about to lose myself. By the way, last Thursday I went shopping!!! (^O^)

(^^;;;) I change myself to a genki girl again... hehe... Unexpectedly.

Yup! Shopping! I went to the Popular Book Store and they were having an enormous sale there, and so I bought lots of books as my preparations for SPM! Those books are suop-er coolie! I can memorize everything even when I was window-shopping those books! (^^) I bought them all! I can�t believe it!

Books might be a lil bit boring to you, but I always love books! They�re my life, and I won�t eat them no matter how hungry I get in the future. (^_^;;;) Whatever... and after book shopping, I went to buy Saiyuki RELOAD Vol. 5-8!!! Woah... this one�s better! If any of you out there love Saiyuki, then just buy this one!!! You�ll love it, I assure you.

Well... although some of the scenes have some �blemish� drawings, but MOST of it, you�re gonna swoon for them you know??? (^_^) My favourite episode is episode 7. About Sanzo and a neko!!! Kawaii!!! (^o^) They�re so cute together! Well, I never thought that Sanzo...

Sanzo�s fans: OI!!! Don�t spoil the thrill lah you!!! You tell them what happened to Sanzo, I�ll surely KILL YOU! ###

Okay, FINE! Then just buy it and watch! I love the drawings when it comes to the end of the episode where Sanzo�s smoking while looking to his left [despite he really NEEDED to kill Gojyo and Goku for making a toy out of that neko�s name...] So cute! I wish I�ve got that cat already!!! (><) [By the way, �daigoro� is... un... you�re right when it doesn�t even suit a female cat, KB! (^^;;;) Though the meaning is so cat-like...] WATCH IT!! Available at your nearest Speedy outlets!!! Or maybe other places, I don�t know. Oro? I'm advertising??? (^^;;;)

BUT FOR SURE, I would like to thank Chihori-chan for telling us [in your cute bloggie (^^)] that you�ve already got Saiyuki RELOAD vol. 5-8!!! Without you, I wouldn�t have it now! Yeah... I thought it hasn�t coming out yet... And then you mentioned about it. (^^) ARIGATOU CHIHORI-CHAN!

Saa, I guess that�s all I got to say. Bye and take care!!! Well, do pray for my luck, okay you guys? Arigatou! (^o^)

�Kanashii no wa akiramete shimau koto da�

�Being sad is the same as giving up.�

Oh okay... (^^;;;)

Then I�ll never give up.

NEVER.

Un... any supports to help me from falling again?

= Tomo-chan =

Holidays~ Un... the disadvantages of it. (^^)

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 10:33:03 GMT

Hi guys! We meet again~ (^.^) Well, I DID promise you that I would tell why I hate holidays ne? Besides, now in Malaysia we�re having our one-week holidays [And wondering that the election days� just around the corner, it makes me damn boreeeddd seeing the same topic everyday on the newspapers. Huh... hate elections also.] (-_-) I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Let�s just get into the point shall we? (^_^)

In the previous entries, I did say that I hate holidays cuz I might as well cut myself anytime during those days, since sometimes I just get outta control and might go berserk just like that. Mental probs... (^^;;;) Never think about it before until I... got addicted? Hm...

Okay, these are my reasons why do I abhor holidays:

1. No tutors at home.

Obviously, those teachers would give us tons of homeworks, right? And so, since I am NOT a genius, yet I�m NOT soooo stupid either, but I damn need someone to assist me with these things!!! And now, I�m having a major hitch with my Add Maths. Urghhh...

The teacher went for her Haji since January, and so we were all left behind. No substitutes, nothing. Plus, I�ve got NO tuition classes like the others, and so I did the works alone, and my migraine... (><) Kill me anyone out there!!!

That�s the main reason.

2. Sluggishness approaching...

Yup! When I can�t get the idea on how to work out those probs, I would just lay around, knowing nothing to do, and so the works are left unscathed like that. Although sometimes I DO have some determination to finish up the works, [thanks Hanae for always torturing me! (^_^) Love ya!] most of the time I would leave my workplace and...

3. Possibilities to torment self.

(^^;;;) I would yeah... un... like what I always do, that is...

I have my own loyal blade, a new branded hammer [huh... I bought it with all my pocket money! I don�t even have any idea why...], and my dad�s screwdriver. Oh, and my mom�s kitchen scissors, which she told me that she wouldn�t use it anymore. Don�t worry if you�re gonna eat here, I wouldn�t use that scissors to cook! I guess that�s the most enormous effect on me if I couldn�t find any answers to all my homeworks.

Thus! That�s it. (^o^) Now you know why, huh? So, I prefer school days better than holidays like these... Yeah, I must admit that sometimes I DO enjoy the holidays by reading my favourite fanfics and my novels too. But mainly, I would recall back all my school projects and homeworks, hence I went crazy. Again.

Sometimes, I don�t think I can take the pressure anymore and just give up what I have now. But sometimes when I think back all those things... It�s hopeless. Even if I threw away all those achievements, all those triumph I�ve attained, I wonder how stupid I am to surrender just like that. I NEED SUPPORT! That�s what I want! And... I�ve got no self-confidence because they�re no supporting props, nothing that I can handle with during all the way to succeed something.

Why I have got NO self-confidence?

1. I kept on losing in most of the competitions I�ve partaken.

2. Everyone seems to bother about themselves, not me. Even if I did something successful, no one would actually care. That makes me a person who doesn�t even care about herself. I just participate in anything for no reason at all.

3. I think that every single choice I�ve made didn�t make me an excellent person. Instead, it kept making me worst than ever. Plus, I guess I�m not a person who can always gain success [despite my true name, which means �success�. Huh...] and I can always say that I�m an all-time-loser.

4. I gain nothing for every feat I�ve attained.

Is that clear enough?

Arara... I�m getting back to my oh-so-depressing-self, again. (^^;;;) Though I�ve promised that I would be indomitable in everything I�m in. But no one is actually helping me! My parents carry on giving stupid advises:

�Don�t study too hard, you�re not going anywhere though.�

�Don�t do it if you don�t know the answer!�

�Leave it, ask your friend when school reopens.�

Yarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! (><)

What kinda shits are you guys giving me??? You�re supposed to encourage me on those things, NOT discouraging me!!! Aiyo... My head hurts again... Note: Never scream or yell too hard. Huh...

Fine. Whatever it is, I won�t give up, is that what my mind�s trying to say?

I�m suck at writing.

So, you can still work out and make the best out of the best.

My English is TERRIBLE.

So what??? Atleast you CAN speak English and write better than last year! You can always get dictionaries, so that you can make those essays better.

I am soooo stupid when it comes to Add Maths.

Then go and ambush the teacher already!!! Ask her those fucking questions you�re confused with!

Every choice I made sucks.

Then??? Why are you so damn down-hearted? Those who make you like that are the ones who SUCK!!!

Oi, who are you anyway???

And who are you to yell at me like that, LOSER???

So what if I�m a loser??? You�re me and I�m you! LOSER!

I�m not a loser like you! Atleast I can always depend on someone to succeed this life!

WHO???

...Me, myself and I.

��

Satisfied?

Damare.

=Tomo-chan=

Best Friend

What is your anime occupation? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

B.O.Y.F.R.I.E.N.D (^^;;;)

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 07:23:20 GMT

Boyfriends? Boyfriends??? XD XD XD [Warghahahahahaha!!! That�s the funniest word I�ve ever heard!]

Oh okay, let me say something first... Since people are so damn sick with the way I wrote the previous entries, which I think is all too... dramatic, despite my ferocious abilities to write, I�ve decided to make every inch of my bloggie a lil bit cheerful! Besides, I really think that even if I wrote with such a well... kinda like an expert writer [although I really suck at writing stories...], then no one would ever read my blog! Right? (^_^) Maybe in some kind of sad occasions, I will use dramatic poses of writing. Okay? [Now don�t complain to me saying that you can�t understand my blog well.]

Now on with the main topic, boyfriends ne?

*Tomomi laughing like mad again, rolling all over in the cat�s litter* Wargahahahahahaha!!! XD

Mutih: MEOWWW!!! [=Shut up kono yarou! My kids are sleeping!]

(-__-;;) Whatever Mutih... Let see, what made me wrote this topic? Well, somehow, I realised that every time I chatted with a man, then he would say �Don�t you have a boyfriend at this age?� �Hey, how come you don�t have one? Everyone has!� �Don�t tell me you don�t have any!� �Come on, what makes you DON�T like boys?�

*sweatdrop* Aha-ha-ha... FINE! I�ll tell you guys out there why I don�t have any of them! Besides, one of my favourite sis, Hanae, even asked me why I HATE HOLIDAYS, so I�m gonna insert that too in this entry. Too long? (^_^) Get over it, as long as I like it, then why should you guys care? Ne?

As for me, boys are all hopeless. NOT ALL, but those whom I knew since before ARE hopeless... They remained like shits sometimes, wondering how come I don�t have any bfs, hence, I HATE MEN. I�m not saying that I�m a lesbian, but really... I don�t think I ever trust in any boys anymore. Wanna know why?

I got hurt lots of times before.

Heh, this was all because of those people out there who somehow urged me to find a boy by myself, otherwise I�m not perfect enough to be their friend. I once told you I was STUPID, and so I guess I couldn�t do anything than to make an idiotic move and started to search for a boy. As, humans really need to be loved, otherwise they won�t love, right? The nun in Saiyuuki once told Gono this... Except that I�ve changed the whole sentence to a passive voice. (^__^)

Say, while I was in Standard Six, I fell for this nerd. (^^;;;) REALLY! I�ve told ya I WAS STUPID enough to choose! But heck, it�s a looooong story why I fell on him though... better if I keep that as my secret. Nee, not long after that before I was gonna sit for UPSR, I�ve confessed my feelings to a friend, and she informed that boy that I really like him. Arghhh... I know I shouldn�t believe in her. I don�t know but Malays are trying to get rid of me!!! [NOT ALL!!! Hanae�s a Malay too, but she never cheats me like that! So do my other sisters! ] Huh... nah, forget about that girl, and on with the next, shall we?

Therefore, when he knew that I liked him, he started to think �How great I am, a girl likes me!� and he became DAMN �perasan� towards himself. [I don�t know what�s the perfect phrase for �perasan� in English! Gomen~ (^m^) ] Well, not long after that he started to spread the whole thing about me liking him [a NERD, he was (-_-)] and the WHOLE school knew about it when he...

READ MY DIARY? Aha-aha-aha... (^^;;;;) I... don�t want to talk about it! Such a silly thing to happen! I�m so damn careless!!!

Okay, now you know why huh? Not only that, I somehow forgave him, but I�ve promised him that I wouldn�t see him anymore, as he would make me sick. (-__-|||) Erghhh... you�ll know what I mean once you meet him...

Then, while I was in my Third Form [Or in Singapore, Secondary Third... Is it right?] I fell again for another boy, a... well, a slump? Wai... he looked just like a winter melon! And he�s so cute! (-__-;;;) I don�t know why the hell my tastes those days were horrible... Other people said that he�s as round as a watermelon... but as for me, he�s just like a... winter melon? XD Whatever, those things were history though. My tastes had changed looong time ago.

Okay, back to where I was... As a quite... �brave� girl, I was the one who told him I liked him. How shameless I was that time, I don�t even know... Perigi cari timba. [Arghhh!!! (><)] He... rejected me though, saying that I can always be a perfect wife, but NEVER be a perfect girl!!! He told me I was �TOO nice� and he didn�t want me to be his gf as he would make me �damaged�. What the heck he told me that time, I don�t even know until...

I realised that he said that as he wanted a girl who could always lend him her body to touch, to hold, to... whatever (-__-) Thinking about it make me sicker... Those girls must be damn stupid, maybe stupider than me to have a bf like that, knowing only to touch here and there. What? Do lovers REALLY do have to make love? Huh... chigaimasu yo! As for me, I don�t agree! Sansei ja nai!!! (><) I guess I have chosen the wrong person to give all my love to him... huh? Eh, it�s not love, it�s just a �like�!!! Careless mistake...

Say, I sometimes think that atleast he said that for MY sake, as he didn�t want to make me a new person, a perverted one. So, I kinda appreciate that, although since then I started to think boys are disgusting. All they think about is... Ch, �that� thing, what else? Well maybe those goody-goody boys would disagree with me, but that�s what the fact is. Even my P.E teacher told me that!!! XD Wai... I DID laugh you know???

Okay, done with liking boys, I started to stay quite and act dumb to boys, and be an anti-boys kinda girl. Just to make sure I wouldn�t make enough humiliations no more with some other boys... I started to befriend Chinese boys, as I know they can always be trusted and all they think is study, study, study! So I won�t have any worries on having a crush on them cuz I WON�T! [Although I DO have some likings towards Chinese boys, as I�m also a Chinese...(^_^;;) ] I�m NOT saying that Malays and Indians aren�t always thinking about positive things, but only SOME of you guys out there just want to study right? Well, what about the others? Ask them, and then you�ll know what I mean. (^^;;;) Don�t blame me, okay? I said that: NOT ALL!!! If you sued me, that means you�re soooooooo blind!

Hehehe... okay, continue please! Say, while I was in my Fourth Form, another NERD liked me, and he was a best friend of mine. I did understand him, as he was acting like how I used to act while I was in my Standard Six. So... well, immature. That�s what I call myself of the past. IMMATURE. Things won�t go straight once you know that you�re immature, so did I. I felt too... mortified. I had no idea about it, until I met some people who are all trying to understand me, and they work hard to straighten my life. (^_^)

Iroiro arigatou mina-san! I�ll always remember what have you guys done to me.

Oh, about that boy huh? Let me just... describe him as �S�. He�s nice you know... But the problem was that S was too... childish. My friend, Nad, was his first crush that year. Even Nad feels like laughing now, ne? Poor him... I guess I shouldn�t let him down but well... I don�t want to be teased afterwards for having a �child� as my bf. I know he liked me, but that didn�t mean that I would like him as well. Know why?

Not long after Nad and me rejected him, he got himself a new crush. (-__-;;;) Wai... what if he searches for another girl once I become his gf? Arghhhh... I hate things like these. Whatever, atleast he knew what was he that time, and I really hope he�s succeeding on having a perfect girl for him. I won�t care anymore. He had got his own life, I�ve got my own here... So, to shut up and do our own business is the best to do. Sansei da no? Dou omoimasu ka? (^^) What dya� think?

However, I have sworn to myself NOT to fall for any guy just yet, not until I reach 40. (^^;;;;) 40??? Oh sorry, I should have said 60, gomen! [Wargahahaha!!! XD] As for me, studying is the most important thing for now, and I�ve promised NOT to make any fuss around like a chimp... I won�t make myself embarrassed anymore cuz I�ve faced those things so many before... I NEED A BREAK! (><) SPM! SPM! [Yeah, and so I pressure myself with that word, SPM, all over and over again whenever I feel like falling for some guy. (^^) Perfect idea huh?]

I must say, I almost fall for a guy NOW! Arghh... but he�s a freak, I must admit that in my mind, nevertheless, he�s too good for me, and he told everyone in school that he�s already had a gf, loud...ly. (^^;;;;) Whatever, I hate him now, as he�s also one of the kinds I hate. Not really actually since, he�s my schoolmate though. We have to work for so many things and so, he�s Malay. I�m trying to get rid of �liking Malays� from now on, I just don�t know why but... I�ve got other secrets, which I think they�re not necessary to be told somehow...

Just consider that I don�t like SOME [DON�T SUE ME LAH!!! (><) How many times should I tell you not to???] Malay boys [NOT girls, mind that! Well, some Malay girls... quite untrustworthy, just read my bloggie entry �Uragiri�, then you�ll know what I mean] and until now, I keep on telling myself not to butt in their business anymore becuz...

I�VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS ABOUT MALAYS. [(-___-) I�ve told you don�t SUE me!!! I�ll kill you if you do.]

That�s why you can see me sitting in the corner, reading, than to wander around and talk like a gorilla. (^^;;;) Ano... do gorillas are as noisy as chimps? I...don�t... know...

Oh okay, before that... Since EDWIN is the only classmate of mine who knows about me ALMOST fall for a guy in our school, I want you to keep that shut!!! [You don�t know him well, though] Or I�ll surely ban Chinese boys in my life too. You got that? Good. I know you can always be trusted. (^_^)

Say... I guess that�s it. Do ask me anything if you�re confused with something about this topic. [Quite sensitive huh? GREAT! (^o^) ] Whatever it is, I guess I�ll tell you about holidays later on, gomen ne Hanae-chan!!! I can�t make this too long, otherwise... *realises the readers glaring* Un...(^^;;;) I just can�t!

See you later guys!!! (^.^) Again, gomen nasai ne, Hanae-chan! [I know you won�t even care, but heavens... You�re my lil sis damn it!!! (><) I�ll apologise on whatever I do! Well, elders should give up first ne? Sometimes, we are the ones who give advises. (^^) But as for me, you�re the one who always gives me tons of advises. ] Weiirdd~ that�s world.

PS: For those Ayumi fans out there, have you heard �NO Way To Say�, �Angel�s Song� and �Ourselves�? *swoons* Warghhhhhh!!! (><) They�re damn great! I heard the MIDIs only, and I already love them!!! Memorial Address album, ne? I�ll BUY it no matter how much it costs!!! [Ahahaha... a BIGGG fanatic fan I am, ne guys? (^^;;;;) Whatever it is... I LOVE AYUMI!]

***********************

Choosing only the things you like isn't irresponsible.

If you can't find anything you like then why do you accept the responsibility?

I take only the possibilities that I'm ready to accept.

If it's something you don't need, then sympathy is of no use at all.

If it's something important the pain will probably accompany it.

Loneliness that you feel together is worse than a loneliness that you feel by yourself.

No matter what, loneliness comes...no matter what pain you feel,

You mustn't close your eyes to it.

Because even if you lose all your words, even if you say it doesn't matter,

If you stumble it will be there to help you up.

That's what kind of thing it is.

~ Adapted from �Surreal� by Hamasaki Ayumi ~

What�s �it� anyway? Answers please? Onegai...

= Tomo-chan =

Obituary...

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 07:43:01 GMT

Nokosareta tooi mukashi no
Kizuato ga uzukidashite mata
Furueteru kokoro kakushite
Hohoemi ni suri kaeta...

Ikutsu ni natte mo aikawarazu na watashi wa
Ima demo okubyou de
Tsuyogaru koto bakari oboete yuku...

Sukoshi zutsu mitome hajimeta
Iyasarenu kako no sonzai to
Kobamenai mirai ni ikura
Obiete mo shikata ga nai to...

Ato dono kurai no yuuki ga motetara watashi wa
Daiji na mono dake o
Mune o hatte daiji to ieru no darou...

Tashika na omoi wa kanjiru no ni
Nee itsumo kotoba ni dekinai
Daremo ga koushite kotoba ni naranai
Omoi o kakae nagara kyou mo ikite iru...

The old wound left on me
Begins to ache
I hide my trembling heart again
And pretend to smile

Even in my age now, I'm the same as before
As timid as before
I only learn how to pretend to be strong

Little by little, I've come to realize
That my past never heals
And that it's no use
Fearing the future I can't refuse

How much more courage do I need
To say with my head held high
"This is the only important thing to me�?

Though I have firm feelings
You see, I can't change them into words as usual
Everyone is living this way
With feelings they can't express...

~ Adapted from �No Way To Say� by Ayumi Hamasaki ~

***

Nee...

What�s the thing that you can�t get away with?

It�s kinda sad, nor sometimes we can feel it deeply inside without an inch of grief...

Since when it happened...

Since we haven�t been born to this cruel Earth.

It happened.

To me.

***

Last week, it happened last week. The venue? There, over there... Deep inside a forest, where there�re tons of other people around. But hey...

This is fate, no one can do anything about it.

Last week, it happened last week. The time? I don�t know... Cuz all I know is that she�s gone. Forever, leaving all her sons and daughters behind. Leaving someone she called �sweetie� all the time...

This is also fate, no one can do anything about it.

Last week, it happened all of a sudden, even I didn�t know at first.

It�s been A WEEK, seven bloody days and no one had informed me about it at all. And here, in this damn house I was locked in, no one can ever let me out. And that�s why I didn�t know about this.

The fate... God decided all this from the beginning.

What could I do even if I knew it at the first place?

Could I actually stop her from going?

Could I halt the time and save her from something that everyone wishes that they could just go through it peacefully?

Death.

My grandmother�s dead.

She left the world behind, she left all her sons and daughters behind...

Leaving me her granddaughter here...

I love you. I�ll always love you.

May God Bless You there.

I�m gonna miss you for sure.

Sayounara.

Her life with us all...

She was a great grandma, my dad�s mom, the one who made my dad embraced Islam. She�s the one who helped us all solving problems...

She�s a loving, caring woman with determination although that she�s getting old day by day.

Until one time...

Problems occurred and I didn�t have any courage to correct them.

Brothers fought. Sisters mocked my dad...

Such horrible scene that was.

Long... quite long time ago.

I couldn�t do anything to atleast make my grandma felt better.

I�m useless.

But still...

She loved me.

She gave me enough protection when my dad went out berserk and beat me up like crazy.

She gave me enough nurturing that even my mom was a lil bit differed from her way of caring...

The greatest woman.

I�ll never forget her sad face when her sons started to ignore her.

I�ll never forget the way she hid her grief with her laughter...

I don�t wanna think about them all.

Cuz...

It makes me feel like...

I�M NOT ME AGAIN.

I�m starting to realise that I�m NOT heartless Tomomi...

I�M SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN.

I cry, I weep, I sob, I wail, I...

I�M DIFFERENT.

I have got a heart...

Ima ga... suru.

No...

I�ll NEVER change myself anymore...

It�s me, the new girl, not the past Tomomi.

Stop crying...

I must stop crying...

Grandma,

For your sake, I�ll stop crying and become a new person.

I�ll never be a weak girl anymore, I�ll fight on whatever I could.

I won�t make those who are still alive get sad or cry again just like what I�ve done to you...

I�ve ignored you before, since I�ve got no courage to stand up...

But now...

I�ll try grandma, I�ll certainly try.

~ Innalillahi wa innalillahi rajiun ~

With that, let us all recite the al-Fatihah as a sincere gift for her...

Allahyarham Ainon bt. Abdullah.

May God Sanctify You There.

~ AMEN ~

=Tomomi-chan=

Ore...

Natte wa naranai...

I can�t cry...

I mustn�t.

watashitachiwa watashitachi jishin...

...deinakereba imiganai.

We are meaningless...

...Unless we accept ourselves.

~ Shut up ~

Zutto Jiyuu, Ore no Hoshikatta... ~ Forever Freedom, That's What I Want...

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 09:34:51 GMT

***

hajimari ga aru mono ni wa
itsu no hi ka owari mo aru koto
iki to shi ikeru mono nara
sono subete ni

moshi mo kono sekai ga shousha to haisha to no
futatsu kiri ni wakareru nara
aa boku wa haisha de ii
itsu datte haisha de itai n da

mamoru beki mono no tame ni
kyou mo mata nani ka o gisei ni
iki to shi ikeru mono tachi
sono subete ga

boku wa kimi ni nani o tsutaerareru darou
konna chippoke de chiisana boku de shika nai
ima wa kore ijou hanasu no wa yametoku yo
kotoba wa sou amari ni mo
toki ni muryoku da kara

moshi mo kono sekai ga shousha to haisha to no
futatsu kiri ni wakareru nara
aa boku wa haisha de ii
itsu datte haisha de itai n da

***
Things that begin
always have an end.
If you can live on,
think always of that.

If this world were split into
winners and losers,
I'd rather be a loser.
I always want to be a loser.

To protect us and ours,
we must sacrifice something yet again.
Those who can live on
think always of that.

What can I tell you?
I'm just a small, helpless person.
That's all I'll say for now
because sometimes words
are completely powerless.

If this world were split into
winners and losers,
I'd rather be a loser.
I always want to be a loser...

***
~Adapted from Ayumi Hamasaki�s �No More Words�~

I always wanted to be a loser...

Cuz, the only thing I hear everyday is the word...

LOSER.

I�m lost.

Michi ni mayotta. Hontou...

***

I was born as a girl, which I don�t think I like it that much... I always hate to be girl, having such limited freedom to explore everything in this whole wide world really makes me mad about myself. I often ask my own brains about it...

�Naze da... ore wa onna da no?�

�Why am I... a girl?�

Then I realised even though I ask myself a million times about it... I will always be a girl. And being a girl...

SURELY HURTS.

***

I... was chosen to participate in the co-curricular activities day this Saturday, and I am charged to join in the march for my own club. Definitely, I did think that was the happiest thing as I can at last go anywhere else but home, and meet new people. I always wanted to be noticed by my participation in various activities at school, and I don�t know why...

I feel calm and happier to stay at school and meet my teachers and friends...

Than to look at my dad and...

Got stressed up by him.

(-__-)

He doesn�t know anything about me, his own daughter.

He doesn�t even care for me, as I am his one and only daughter who atleast succeed in her studies.

He doesn�t even think that I�m struggling to death studying and achieving success is just for him and mom.

But then he called me names.

BAD names.

He told me raising me up is such a waste of money.

He told me those teachers who treat me nicer� WAY nicer than him as bitches.

He told me that my life is short... OUR life is short so I don�t have to study harder.

...But the moment when I got mad at him so much that I wish he could go to hell...

was when he threatened to halt my school process, sending me back in the corner of the kitchen...

Doing shit.

FUCKING things in the kitchen instead of studying well...

How close-minded is he?

How stupid is he to say that?

How... he�s more like a BARBARIAN more than a mere human.Well...

Maybe some kids just love it when their dads say that, but as for me...

That�s a curse.

I wanna try and I can still fight with myself to gain success and great achievements. But then he always interrupts my life... my journey to the way of triumph, accomplishment.

I always wanna try and explore this world... try and discover things around us, made by our Lord, but then he always intervenes my road way towards the sensational moments I should get from all what I�ve done for myself and my family.

I even hurt myself, just because that I didn�t want to hurt him as my own dad, right when he stressed me out.

I can kill anyone I want.

But I still got brains... I still got my mind here...

But I can�t just keep it all back into my deepest side of my heart.

So...

I�m trying hard to kill myself before I kill anyone just yet.

***

Then... how about your friends who care for you?

How about those teachers who smile to you everytime you feel down?

How about those people around you who are all willingly to read your depressing blog?

Those voices...

Halted me from committing suicide so early.

Go on, tell me I�m crazy but I�m in my most depressing moments right now. I don�t even think of living a quality life after being threatened like that.

Why?

Cuz...

When I go to school, I could atleast smile sweetly to everyone I want...

When I go to school, I could see happiness around me, and they let me feel the bliss of sincerity...and sanity.

When I go to school, I can widen my mind to something more advanced about life, about all these nature around us made by God perfectly...

And...

Atleast I won�t dare myself to kill a girl named Tomomi...

Before someone could actually make me stop thinking about...

�that.

Then...

At home, all I can see is darkness upon the ceiling...

I could see sadness and grief all over my house... although my cheerful siblings laugh heartily.

I can�t feel my senses, my instincts when I am at home...

I couldn�t sleep well.

I couldn�t eat properly... or sometimes I never eat.

I couldn�t relax myself... even though you see me lying on the floor quietly...

I couldn�t let myself free... as a cruel man called �dad� being prejudice over me, saying that I would get influenced by those other kids out there...

Oi.

What do you think I am? A baby? A 3-year-old girl who doesn�t know anything about life???

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO BE KEPT IN THIS JAIL FOREVER.

Not me.

I need freedom. I need it so much...

Cuz I know I won�t disappoint you and mom, but you don�t believe in your own daughter...

You avoid me from talking to a guy... to socialize with a guy...

=You�re expecting me to become a PROSTITUTE by just talking to them?=

Fine.

Then take risk on having a LESBIAN daughter later on.

Stupid. Think. Otherwise� you�re gonna be stupid forever.

You�re ruining my social life...

And IF I really become a LESBIAN...

You�re the main reason why I become that.

You avoid me from joining any outdoor activities... You hate seeing me outside and do lots of healthy things...

= And are you expecting me to get raped? There?=

Fine.

Let it be. You don�t even know my past, so get the hell out of it.

You�re underestimating me, mister. You really are thinking that you�re the greatest man in the whole entire world to control your daughter like this... and then you said that you did all this just to make sure I�m growing to be a goody-goody girl.

What for?

When actually...

You�re the one who is making me worse. You�re the one who urges me to cut myself. The one who always wants me to get expelled from school...

Heh.

No wonder your first wife ran away.

And now... you�re poisoning MY MOM�s mind although you�re my REAL DAD, with all your stupid idiotic �religious-to-say-nonsense� talks, speeches.

No wonder my half bro and half sis ran away from you...

Cuz since they stayed with you, their life got worse.

That was long time ago, where they were TWO victims of your stupidity principles.

And now...

IT�S MY TURN TO FAIL MY LIFE.

I know you like the sound of it, cuz you�re jealous of me.

That�s it.

I hate you.

But still...

I�m trying to keep myself sane� and starting to forgive all your mistakes over me...

So that I WON�T kill you.

BEFORE I kill myself.

Yarou.

Damare.

***

I hate myself.

If I were a boy, life would be much sweeter.

Than to be a bitch like this, being over controlled by him like this...

I prefer to die.

But I truly can�t.

TRULY...

Can�t.

=Tomomi=

What can I tell you?

I'm just a small, helpless person.

That's all I'll say for now

because sometimes words are

...completely powerless.

If this world were split into winners and losers,

I'd rather be a loser.

I always want to be a loser...

FOREVER.

Zutto...

Jyaa ne.

***

Solitude. You are reserved and silent. You prefer
to be alone. People most likely annoy you if you
are around them for long periods of time. But
hey, you are a great listener and hardly miss a
thing.

What influences your style? (Anime pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Kore wa hontou ni shinjite iru to, dakara... ore wa ore da yo ne.

This one... I really believe in it... I�m what I am.

***

Shi wa...

Ore no hoshikatta dewa nai...

Saa...

Sou darou.

Death...

It�s not what I wanted...

I guess.